Posts Tagged ‘Parenting’

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Tough Love

Saturday, April 27th, 2013

 

child not listening

 

“OUCH”. The connotations associated with Tough Love are commonly negative.  It feels as though the approach is “mean” and “harsh”, rather than a “wake up” call that behavior needs to change. The approach does entail “love”, but the delivery is not done in a teddy bear fashion. It is direct and to the point.  The behavior must change or there will be a consequence. This approach is based on Learning Theory.  That negatively reinforcing a behavior reduces the repetition of the behavior in question.  A child hits their sibling and they gets a time out because a parent will not allow their child to do something “wrong”.  Tough love.  What is the alternative?  Reinforcing “positive” behavior?  Positive Parenting?  Nope, the research does not support this approach.  This is why. Kids are not that simple.  They are not dogs. If a kid thinks they can get away with something, they will.  This is reality.  When a child has a limit, they are forced to change.  If they get a reward for being “good”, this has nothing to do with the “bad” behavior. Rewarding successful behavior is also essential, but, it’s not enough.  Parents need to be the “bad” guy sometimes and it’s a tough position to take for most parents.  Why?  It is much easier to gratify a child than punish them. Most parents cringe when they feel as though they have made their own child cry. “Ouch”.  Guilt is one of the most common pitfalls of good parenting.  But remember, no pain, no gain. Limits promote growth and inhibit regression. Most successful schools in fact utilize a Tough Love approach and are the most effective in promoting appropriate behavior and have the fewest problems with both Bullies & Mean Girls.  These school also produce the most students who go to College.  Why? The students know that there are Standards that must be followed or there will be a price to pay.  Kids can understand this and it is helpful, not harmful.

 

 

The difference between technology and human behavior are quite different.  Technology does change , but human behavior does not. People behave consistently despite the changing world around them.  For example, violent television and video games are proved to cause overstimulation in most kids if they are overexposed.  Overstimulation is a human condition.  However, the ways that we effectively deal with it is the same now as it was 100 years ago. Limits. Tough love. Dealing with behavior is well defined with research and clinical data.  Kids need limits when they break the rules.  Otherwise, they become entitled and self-centered. Parents have to sometimes be the “bad guys” because they love their children. In fact , the optimal role of a parent is to help their child to function in society,  and not live in some sort of “special” bubble.

 

 

Kids who act out have problems. They have not internalized rules and the essence of right versus wrong.  Limits, rules, laws, and adult intervention are necessary to keep kids on track but this does not happen a lot of the time.  Why ?  Parents fear setting limits.  They fear their kids not liking them and fear they are hurting them.  No. Limits are love.  Kids need parents to draw the line. They are not yet capable of self-responsibility until they reach at least late adolescence ( 17 years + ).

 

 

Even Sigmund Freud in his landmark essay Civilization and its Discontents spelled out how without rules, laws, and holding people accountable, society would not exist,and he was right on this one. Parents need to set limits. They need to be tough when their kids are not towing their own ability to self-regulate according to their age.  Infantilization is treating a kid as though they cannot follow a rule.  This communicates to the child that they don’t have to.  When they reach Adulthood,  they become selfish, non empathic, and pathetic. “YUCK”.

 

 

So parents, don’t be afraid to be “tough” in the love department when your kid acts  entitled or don’t tow the line of what they are able to accomplish.  It’s okay to reinforce when they do something well but it is equally or more important to stop them from doing something wrong or stupid.  That is love.  Looking out for the best interests of a child’s complete development is the optimal role of good parenting.  But, you have to be tough sometimes to show your kids that you really do love them.

 

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Planning Ahead For Summer

Tuesday, April 16th, 2013

kids friends parkBackground:  Planning ahead for a successful summer is important for the mental health of the child and parent alike.  Many parents wait until the very last minute to schedule activities for their child creating problems with scheduling and camps filling up quickly.  Another common pitfall is either allowing the child free reign about their summer activities or, on the other hand, the parent micromanaging the activities of their child’s summer.  Parents need to both ask themselves what they believe is in the best interest of their child over the summer as well as consulting with their child to determine their understood needs as well.  Ideally, summertime should be a balance between scheduled activities and play for the child.  Time should be scheduled for activities such as camps, academic remediation if necessary, and plenty of time for rest and play with friends.  Summer is also a time to try new skills that often cannot be attempted during the school year because of too many time constraints (i.e. taking up a musical instrument).  Finally, summer is also an important time for families to spend time together on vacation or merely enjoying each other’s company.

Referencing activities, the attentive parent should be the one to introduce the concept of a balanced summer to their child and then discuss options with them allowing the child some choice in the type of scheduled activities they will participate within.  (i.e. the type of camp they may attend; a type of sport to learn).  Children and adolescents are not capable of doing this alone.  Once determined, it is important to find programs which are organized, have a low staff to camper ratio, have good reputations, and are importantly, fun.

Balancing fun camps and activities with some academic or artistic activity helps keeps the child’s mind in learning shape and often makes the transition back to school in the Fall an easier transition.  Research shows that a scheduled and balanced summer also leads to higher self-esteem, greater productivity, less anxiety and opposition, and more harmony around the house.  Parents following these recommendations are less anxious as well.

Key Points:
1.  Parents:  Introduce the concept of a balanced summer
2.  Plan out activities in advance and put on a schedule
3.  Give some choice in picking the type of activities to do
4.  Find programs with good reputations and low staff/camper ratios
5.  Plan academic remediation if necessary
6.  Don’t forget about family time

 

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Life Transitions: Midlife

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

Listen to this Blog be discussed live on the next Your Family Matters radio show on April 10th @ 9am PST . WsRadio.com.  Show are also archived at that site

 

Considering that during the lifespan developmental transitions are inevitable, Midlife is no exception.  In fact, Midlife introduces perhaps the biggest questions as to whether or not an individual has spent the first half of their lives fulfilled or not. Whereas the Adolescent transition is about weaning away from childhood fantasies and greater strives towards becoming an independent adult, Midlife is the second stage of Adult development. In early adult development, the quests have to do with financial, relational, and solidifying a secure lifestyle, Midlife is about facing the idea that life is half over. This significant difference of so-called tasks of “success “ becomes a major focus in the mind of the middle adult consciously and unconsciously along with retirement and death.

 

As the body and mind age, a sense of vulnerability begins to set in.  Physical maturation and aging ; financial stability; interpersonal happiness; and an overview of whether or not the person has a sense of both fulfillment and enjoyment fills the mind of that middle adult.  “Am I where I want to be at this stage of my life” ; “Do I feel fulfilled”.

 

Depending upon the particular individual, the outcome can go in a variety of directions.  For some, they feel content and fulfilled and the transition to middle life is accepted and enjoyed.  Within this group, the areas of finance, personal happiness, interpersonal relationships, and an acceptance of aging are met in stride and the individual continues to live their life without much change other than an acceptance of some things they cannot control such as an aging body and mind.  Here, there is a preservation of their current lifestyle and some logical planning for the future, such as retirement, and a general sense of perhaps slowing down a little.

 

For others in entering midlife, the experience might be much different.  For those who do not feel content with their life review up to this point can lead to one of two roads : eliciting active change in order to improve their well-being mentally and or physically, or in the extreme sense they go into a crisis.  The midlife crisis group are the ones who struggle with either accepting the inevitable changes in midlife or who do not feel as if they can make the necessary changes to improve their present state of affairs and plan for some changes to make their lives better and perhaps the best they have ever been. Here is where haphazard actions can manifest often leading to greater conflicts and sometimes failure.

 

On the other hand, when a person in Midlife can logically consider their life review, they can plan some changes which could enhance their life, not complicate it.  For example, in midlife when a person is not feeling financially stable or even happy with their current means of income, this might be the adaptive time to transition into some new profession or way to manage their monies. If their health is not where it should be, this could be the time to take better care of their bodies. If they do not have any friends, this could be the time to meet new people – join a club, learn a sport, or make more of an effort to reach out to people.

 

Changes have to do with choice and motivation once a person has determined what those changes need to be. However, by midlife, life habits have become incorporated in the person’s character or personality making transitions very difficult due to potential fears of the unknown.  This is where careful planning, discussing changes with trusted friends, and taking very active steps while managing the discomfort of change becomes the quest.  Keeping in mind that the outcome is designed to improve, not reduce stress and life enjoyment should be the catalyst propelling the individual to take some action to make the second half of their life better than the first.

 

The final stage of life is Late Adulthood.  Here, the tasks are to review one’s life with pleasure, not regret, and to have a family of friends and loved ones helping to commemorate the full life that a person has lived.  Dying happy and filled with love , accomplishment, and not afraid is perhaps the ultimate goal.  To get there however, the Midlife individual needs to be logical, realistic, and make a plan that they dedicate themselves to follow through with realizing that with all change come challenges and managing some feelings of anxiety which are normal whenever a person makes a significant change of direction.  The outcome however is worth it and lowering stress and improving the quality of one’s life has proved to extend life, not shorten it.

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Running Your Kids

Monday, July 2nd, 2012

I usually don’t compare people to dogs, but then again, we are all animals by nature. As a dog lover of 6 ( 4 are rescue dogs ), I have 2 labs and a Golden and energy are their middle names, especially the Labs. I know quite well that if they don’t get that 15 to 20 minutes of exercise a day ( we play fetch and an interesting version of dog/person baseball ), they will likely get into trouble or dive me crazy . On the other hand. If they are given the attention to get things off their “paws”, they are loving, relatively calm ( Labs?) , and rest peacefully at night. If this sounds familiar to kids, you are dead on.

The plethora of studies emphasizing the beneficial effects of regular exercise for children far exceed the amount of space for this week’s column. I will instead suffice it to say, exercise is better than any magic pill for both the physical and emotional sides of life. What’s nice is that the effects are immediate and long lasting if they are fun and enjoyable.

But for most kids, exercise is boring unless they are really into sports. This lasts into the teenage years when some then decide to pay attention to their bodies and decide to get into shape or are forced to by that high school coach The motivation here for most of the teens is to attract the opposite sex and become stronger than the concept of exercise as a form of self-therapy and self-care. That comes into play for many adults. The rest of the teens and adults alike tend to be sedentary and often overweight and depressed.

Now, getting kids to exercise when they don’t want to is a common parental battle often compared to bring a horse to water. On this one, I think we pick this battle for it has to do with both the physical and mental health of our kids. As a loving parent, we owe them a long and healthy life. So, how do we win this one? It’s actually pretty easy especially if you have dogs.

1. Exercise yourself as an example to your kids. Modeling behavior as a parent carries a lot of weight. Most kids identify with their parents – both the good and not good stuff – Exercise and fitness is obviously a good one.
2. Exercise with your kids on a daily basis. I personally love this one. My kids and I do a variety of challenges daily. Running time trials ; swimming; tennis; or we make up games like “tickle monster”. We engage in one of these for 20 minutes a day and we all feel and act better towards one another.
3. Reward the behavior. Make the outcome a celebration – make a healthy smoothie together. Kids love to win by the way and parents need to be okay with losing.
4. Take turns making up sport or activity games. The rules might get a little confusing and change frequently, but the idea is that everyone plays and gets the benefits of exercise. Consider NOT keeping score to reduce competition unless they are all against you make a big deal if they beat you.

I officially recommend adding running to your parent list of “things to do with my kids everyday”, and watch the benefits before your eyes. Stay healthy.

Dr. Keith Kanner
Anchor/Host Your Family Matters
Mental Health Expert/Contributor
NBC California Nonstop
www.kanner.tv

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Family Adventures Versus Vacations

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

If you have kids, then you know the difference between an adventure and a vacation. Simply put, if you are an invested parent and your kids like you, there is no such thing as a family vacation per se, it is always an adventure and that’s a good thing. Often times parents forget that 18 years goes very quickly and if you don’t realize that daily, time with your kids will slip by. Therefore, embrace the time with your kids and make the times together fun and adventurous.

It is true that parents do need their own “down time” and it is also true that parents have to take care of themselves to be better and rested parents. But, this can be done separately from time spent together as a family. This is where the needed “date nights” for parents are essential as well as a parent vacation when the kids are old enough to allow you time away from them.

When children grow, they remember the constructive times spent with their families. For example, when families travel to foreign destinations, the learning is intensified because the parents were there invested with them. Most adults reflect fondly to these times of childhood and adolescence and frequently remember them as positive for the trip was a constructive family event that all could share together. Vacations on the other hand, are defined as relaxation. Very few parents are able to relax when they are traveling with their kids because kids need their parents because they cannot entirely self-manage themselves until they are adults. Sure, some vacation spots have kids programs, but why use them if your kids are only kids for a finite period of time?

Picking a destination should also be a family decision. Children in both grade and middle school study different cultures and countries. Consult with them about ideas of where to go. From a financial point of view, economical adventures are also fun whether it might be camping or some sort of a road trip, the most important time is family time which form memories which last a lifetime.

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Ready or Not, Here I Go to College

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

First there is graduation day and then, in just a few months, many San Diego young adults will be leaving the comfort of their homes, family, and friends to embark upon a new stage in their lives – “the life of college”. On the surface, many state excitement,relief, and motivation, but just beneath the surface is some anxiety based on the unknown and having to face the new found tasks of Young Adulthood. Going away to college is much more than merely going to a “bigger” school and having to “work harder”. It involves greater independence and required self-sufficiency which many have never experienced due to the common and needed involvement of family helping them with daily tasks such as cooking, laundry, and finance. Becky, a 17 year old student hoping to be on her way to University of Arizona, recently realized that she did not know how to do her own laundry; Steven, a hopeful freshman-to-be at Berkeley, has never owned an alarm clock because he has been used to his parents waking him up every morning to get ready for school; Sally, excited about maybe starting UCLA in the Fall, has never had her own checking account and debit card stating that this was “something I never really thought about until now”; Peter, has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. In fact, he was so dedicated to his studies in order to get into Harvard, he never went to a single party or dance in high school. He recently stated: “how do you talk to girls?”

Leaving home thrusts the Adolescent into a new stage of development: Young Adulthood and additionally shifts parents into a further stage of Middle Adulthood. Both of these new stages involve greater tasks and adjustment to a new life phase. For the Young Adult, being on their own makes them more personally accountable and having to rely on their personal knowledge, experience, and intuition to get through each and every day. The Young Adult who has greater knowledge and experience based on some preparedness, tends to adjust better and faster than the ones who do not have such knowledge. Research indicates that the adjustment to the first year of college is much more about adjusting to being independent and outside the comfort of their family, than the academic requirements of college itself. It is common for the college freshman to call home frequently, become homesick, ask a lot of questions, and still need mom and dad to help them adjust to this new time in their lives. In fact, the students who are least psychologically and practically prepared can become depressed and in some cases have to return closer to home to complete their college experience.

Parents who truly understand this shift and work together in advance with their growing son or daughter to become prepared, leave their child in a better condition than the parents who believe that their job is over and their child is “out of their nest”. Sitting down in advance and having discussions about leaving home, practically setting up important living essentials, such as a checking account, and reviewing situations and independent tasks is essential as well as making more than one visit, if possible, to the new “college home” prior to leaving in the Fall in order to become better acquainted and familiar with a new environment. Parents also need to go visit, at least a few times if possible, during freshman year just to make sure everything is going well and to be supportive to their son or daughter.

For the parents, having their child leave home is bittersweet. On the one hand, there is a sense of feeling proud and happy for their child that they have survived adolescence, but there is also a sense of loss that a bedroom and place at the dinner table is empty. Coming home for a holiday is not the same as them living at home – college is their new home as it represents their future as an independent adult. Here, the parent is also having to change and grow based on loss. Shifting into a new stage of adulthood means reviewing life’s goals and desires. For many couples, children leaving home allows for greater intimacy that had been on hold for a number of years due to the important investment of parenting. Opportunities can now arise for time together embarking on reviving aspects in the adult relationship that were placed on hold. After Tom and Susie dropped off their daughter Zoe at U.C. Santa Barbara last year, they decided to take the coast highway home and ended up spontaneously stopping for two nights in Big Sur for a little vacation. “Wow, stated Susie, we haven’t been able to do that for 17 years! that was fun!”.

Changing and shifting developmentally is both exciting and a little scary. It also involves some mourning of the “old days” which we see when those high school students and parents cry at graduation and after dropping off their new adult at college. Families who talk about these changes and plan ahead accordingly adapt best to these new stages of development and better relish with new opportunities. Many parents boast with how mature their child has become when they come to visit from college. “They seem so grown up……they are actually nice to us……they help clean up…..they even ask how we are doing………I thought none of us were going to make it through Adolescence, but now we are closer than ever, like we were when they were little kids……….”

Key Points:
1) Going off to college is a complete developmental shift for both the adolescent and parent alike
2) Change is both exciting yet scary
3) Anticipation and planning ahead is essential this Spring and Summer
4) Relationships with children become more contemporary over time

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Teens At Home

Friday, April 27th, 2012

Why do teenagers always seem to act their worst when they are home around their families? It’s true, don’t you think ? We all become confused when we hear those stories from our friends about how polite, engaging, vocal, expressive, and endearing our little “teen angels” are at their house. And, when they tell you how lucky you are to have them, you pinch yourself to make sure this is not a dream. If they only knew what went on behind the closed doors of “home” . If they only knew… what would they really think then? Unless of course they had a teen at home too. Take Bill and Sherry. For the past two weeks their 13 year old ,not-so darling daughter Chloe has refused to speak to either of them after they took away her iPhone when she forgot to text her mother from the school dance last Friday night. Since then, Chloe has refused to communicate with either parent other than to tell them that she “hates” them, slams the door whenever she enters or leaves the house and told them that she plans to join a cult and tour North Korea this summer. Needless to say, Bill and Sherry are afraid and worried that she must be falling apart all over the place and were about ready to call my office.  However, to their surprise their semi-annual parent-teacher conference yesterday left both parents in shock. As Mrs. Smith told Chloe’s parents that she was a delight in class, getting almost all A’s, was a leader and a lovely young lady, Bill asked Mrs. Smith if she was sure she was referring to “their” Chloe. Mrs. Smith laughed in delight and said, “ remember she is 13 and is your child, not mine”.

 

Face it, Parents have the ability to bring out the best and worst in their children. So much of how our kid’s act has to do with how we choose to parent and respond to them.  Also it has to do with the child’s temperament and phase of development they are going through. Remember parents, Adolescence is a phase… okay a tough phase… but it is a phase nevertheless with a beginning and end. They will grow up to be an adult, it just takes a Village to get them there and we hope healthy.

 

Teenagers are confusing. They are confused themselves. Sandwiched between both wanting to be independent but still needing their parents for lots of things while going through a multitude of both biological and psychological changes, they are vulnerable creatures. Gauky bodily changes, body hair, pimples, homework, social status and the agonizing list continues. Just ask a teen. They do love to complain and and yet this is one way to get them to actually talk to you. They do get physically tired from life and also from growing so sleeping in on the weekends is sometimes because they are genuinely tired, not just lazy.

 

To love an adolescent you have to know them and what they are going through. This is difficult though because they don’t like to talk to their parents much anymore – a phase thing – they will talk again when they feel strong, but parents generally need to “infer” what’s going on with them based on remembering one’s own teenage joys and blunders, and responding to them with empathy, love and needed limits to help them manage those tough times. Teens do need limits or they may not make it to adulthood as their natural level of judgment is at best “inconsistent” as they often feel immortal . It’s a teen ego-thing. The healthy teens seem as though they have the world by the tail outside of home because they save their plethora of feelings and needs for where they feel the safest…at home. As a baby they should’ve learned that mom and dad take away their stress and make it all better. This is a good thing and the teens have this experience stored somewhere in their mind. Therefore, there is a sense of comfort being able to let down the outer image when in a safe place. It’s the savvy parent who can realize that those home battles are in the service of healthy development and it helps to laugh ( inside laugh) at some of their dramatics as long as no one gets hurt or something broken. I could say “ encourage your teen to talk about their feelings with you”, but that’s not developmentally going to work at least for most teens. A few words here and there… telling you all of the things you do wrong as a parent and straining to be respectful, is more realistic. Don’t ask them questions, make comments about things you know are going on for them or comment on their mood – “you seem happy today”. You may get a sentence of a response this way rather than some sort of grunt.

 

So, how do you survive a teen at home? Ride out the storm with them. Assure them that you are in for the ride by sitting next to them serving as their wingman when they can’t steer the ship on their own. But, when they do navigate well make a big deal about it and tell them they should feel good and proud. Teens do love to feel good. This they do have in common with adults.

 

Finally, to help you better understand what you are dealing with here is how to understand emotionally where a teen will often be developmentally at home. Merely take the first digit off their teenage age and you will see the toddler-equivalent : 13 = 3, etc. By 18, ( 8 ) , they start to become more rule bound and not so random. Once into the 20’s, no need to take off any digits, they have become “real” adults who talk to you again like an old friend and magically ask you about your day.

 

So the next time your 13 year-old say (more…)

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Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Managing College Rejection Letters:

 

 

When 17 year-old Fred received his third rejection letter from the total of ten universities he had applied to for next year, he began to really worry. He has spent his last two years of high school taking very difficult classes, including many AP (Advanced Placement) classes, in order to raise his GPA (Grade Point Average) to increase his chances of being accepted to one of his desired choice colleges. In fact, because his first two years of high school were somewhat difficult for him because he did not make the full connection between good grades and college acceptance, he had to work extra diligently the past two years to be competitive in the acceptance pool.

(more…)

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Warning Signs In Teenagers

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012
Warning Signs In Teenagers:
Dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse, habitual
rebellious behavior, and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are all
examples of “warning signs” that a “tween” or adolescent is in
trouble, and that their behavior is not normal as compared to what is
considered expected for a teenager. The old adage that “kids will be
kids” can be a dangerous assumption if one does not fully understand
what is considered “normal” versus “abnormal” behavior when considering a
middle or high school-aged boy or girl. As psychologists,
psychiatrists and psychoanalysts, we speak of the typical processes of
separation and individuation as children and adolescents alike
consciously and unconsciously attempt to separate themselves and be
psychologically independent from their adult counterparts by acting
and doing things differently in efforts to feel less dependent and more
grown up.  However, the degree and extent to which course one might take, one must
consider individual differences based on both the personality and
particular conflicts each child and adolescent endures.
Another important consideration is that by definition adolescents tend
to feel normally invincible and their judgment tends to be commonly
inconsistent based on the influences of strong feelings of aggression
and sexuality which puts great stress on their consciousness. Coupled
with peer influences, pressure to do well in school, and a more or less
self-centered view of the world based on their general sense of
vulnerability, decisions are often half thought through and mistakes
happen from time to time. When this happens, most “good” parents set
limits and the behaviors calm down until the next periodic time of
“not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor judgment is far
different than consistent investments in self-compromising behaviors
which tend to place this group of children into frequent states of
peril. When this happens, we see these choices as symptoms of
something much larger inside of the adolescent, causing disturbance and
subsequent maladaptive behaviors.
Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs more
investigation to determine for example as to whether or not they are
depressed, going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding
an even more debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes
an invested parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and
who has some sense of what is considered normal or not to make the
determination as to whether or not their child needs help.
In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a less
than optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and then
if there is a lack of change they get them some help. This is why
most adolescents are not either depressed or failing out of high
school. Parents however, need to constantly be on alert as to how
their child is managing his or her life during these critical years.
We all know that most adolescents do not talk openly to their parents
for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their own”, but their
behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are really
feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are really
suffering have a lack of present symptoms that can be identified by
anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality
versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are
basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a
child or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:
1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of alcohol and drug paraphernalia
Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in elevating
their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage their
feelings, which at this stage feel out of their control. When a parent
helps, these noted symptoms often subside and the risk of their
actions intensifying often lessen. However if a parent fails to identify
such problems and fails to get them some help , their child will continue to suffer and their problems may
intensify leading to some sort of crisis which can then hurt the
entire family.

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When Parents Fight

Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

 

 

When parents fight, kids suffer. Most become worried and anxious. This is certainly the case for 9 year old Kaylee every time her parents get into a loud altercation in their home. The pattern is always the same. Her parents get into an ugly argument, call each other names, makes idle threats, and then go their separate ways for a range of hours to days. Kaylee then cries herself to sleep; worries about her parents getting a divorce; and then, usually gets into some sort of trouble at school the next day. Her teacher, Mrs. T, an old soul with 30 years of teaching has identified the pattern and has developed a loving and caring rapport with Kaylee when such days manifest. Her teacher manages to calm her down, keep her focused, and reassures her that she is loved and will be safe. Parent conferences begin next week and Mrs. T is planning on bringing up the pattern to Kaylee’s parents, but she has had numerous experiences of parents refusing to consider that their behavior has such traumatic effects on their children. (more…)

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