Posts Tagged ‘fathers’

Life Transitions: Midlife

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

Listen to this Blog be discussed live on the next Your Family Matters radio show on April 10th @ 9am PST . WsRadio.com.  Show are also archived at that site

 

Considering that during the lifespan developmental transitions are inevitable, Midlife is no exception.  In fact, Midlife introduces perhaps the biggest questions as to whether or not an individual has spent the first half of their lives fulfilled or not. Whereas the Adolescent transition is about weaning away from childhood fantasies and greater strives towards becoming an independent adult, Midlife is the second stage of Adult development. In early adult development, the quests have to do with financial, relational, and solidifying a secure lifestyle, Midlife is about facing the idea that life is half over. This significant difference of so-called tasks of “success “ becomes a major focus in the mind of the middle adult consciously and unconsciously along with retirement and death.

 

As the body and mind age, a sense of vulnerability begins to set in.  Physical maturation and aging ; financial stability; interpersonal happiness; and an overview of whether or not the person has a sense of both fulfillment and enjoyment fills the mind of that middle adult.  “Am I where I want to be at this stage of my life” ; “Do I feel fulfilled”.

 

Depending upon the particular individual, the outcome can go in a variety of directions.  For some, they feel content and fulfilled and the transition to middle life is accepted and enjoyed.  Within this group, the areas of finance, personal happiness, interpersonal relationships, and an acceptance of aging are met in stride and the individual continues to live their life without much change other than an acceptance of some things they cannot control such as an aging body and mind.  Here, there is a preservation of their current lifestyle and some logical planning for the future, such as retirement, and a general sense of perhaps slowing down a little.

 

For others in entering midlife, the experience might be much different.  For those who do not feel content with their life review up to this point can lead to one of two roads : eliciting active change in order to improve their well-being mentally and or physically, or in the extreme sense they go into a crisis.  The midlife crisis group are the ones who struggle with either accepting the inevitable changes in midlife or who do not feel as if they can make the necessary changes to improve their present state of affairs and plan for some changes to make their lives better and perhaps the best they have ever been. Here is where haphazard actions can manifest often leading to greater conflicts and sometimes failure.

 

On the other hand, when a person in Midlife can logically consider their life review, they can plan some changes which could enhance their life, not complicate it.  For example, in midlife when a person is not feeling financially stable or even happy with their current means of income, this might be the adaptive time to transition into some new profession or way to manage their monies. If their health is not where it should be, this could be the time to take better care of their bodies. If they do not have any friends, this could be the time to meet new people – join a club, learn a sport, or make more of an effort to reach out to people.

 

Changes have to do with choice and motivation once a person has determined what those changes need to be. However, by midlife, life habits have become incorporated in the person’s character or personality making transitions very difficult due to potential fears of the unknown.  This is where careful planning, discussing changes with trusted friends, and taking very active steps while managing the discomfort of change becomes the quest.  Keeping in mind that the outcome is designed to improve, not reduce stress and life enjoyment should be the catalyst propelling the individual to take some action to make the second half of their life better than the first.

 

The final stage of life is Late Adulthood.  Here, the tasks are to review one’s life with pleasure, not regret, and to have a family of friends and loved ones helping to commemorate the full life that a person has lived.  Dying happy and filled with love , accomplishment, and not afraid is perhaps the ultimate goal.  To get there however, the Midlife individual needs to be logical, realistic, and make a plan that they dedicate themselves to follow through with realizing that with all change come challenges and managing some feelings of anxiety which are normal whenever a person makes a significant change of direction.  The outcome however is worth it and lowering stress and improving the quality of one’s life has proved to extend life, not shorten it.

When Parents Fight

Wednesday, March 21st, 2012

 

 

When parents fight, kids suffer. Most become worried and anxious. This is certainly the case for 9 year old Kaylee every time her parents get into a loud altercation in their home. The pattern is always the same. Her parents get into an ugly argument, call each other names, makes idle threats, and then go their separate ways for a range of hours to days. Kaylee then cries herself to sleep; worries about her parents getting a divorce; and then, usually gets into some sort of trouble at school the next day. Her teacher, Mrs. T, an old soul with 30 years of teaching has identified the pattern and has developed a loving and caring rapport with Kaylee when such days manifest. Her teacher manages to calm her down, keep her focused, and reassures her that she is loved and will be safe. Parent conferences begin next week and Mrs. T is planning on bringing up the pattern to Kaylee’s parents, but she has had numerous experiences of parents refusing to consider that their behavior has such traumatic effects on their children. (more…)

Post-Partum Depression In Men

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Background: One of the most neglected topics when a couple decides to have a child is that the mother is not the only one going through significant emotional and psychological changes. Dads are too. In fact, because the notion that men seem to be stereotyped as the “stong” ones, their emotional reactions to child birth are often overlooked. The reality is that both men and women are thrown into a “new” developmental part of their lives when they have a baby and depending upon many factors, some become excited and invested, while others struggle with this enormous change and associated responsibilities, including financial, emotional, and physical changes which may or may not have been examined ahead of time and even if they were, having that child makes it all real. For example Ed was elated when his wife of three years announced that she was finally pregnant. The couple had been trying to get pregnant for two years and were becoming very concerned that they would not be able to parent children. Fertility consultations had recommended some medication to help them along, but because of some negative family experiences with past medications in recent years, they decided to continue to try conceive naturally. However, the attempts had become anxiety provoking and “not much fun”, as both Ed and his wife, Ellen, would base their intimacy on an ovulation schedule rather than spontaneity. They had both concluded though, that it was worth it if they could have a child together. (more…)

One to One Time

Monday, October 31st, 2011

one to one timeYou’ve heard the old saying “quality time” versus “quantity time” haven’t you? Well, when it comes to spending time with your kids, this old adage speaks loud and clear. Most invested parents do their best to spend time with their kids and hope that those times together will be cherished moments in the minds of their child, but how a parent spends time with a child is what it’s all about. One characteristic of all children is that they crave the attention of their parents. It is something I call “love fuel”. It assures them they are important, valued, loved, respected, and liked by you. Pretty important stuff for a kid especially if they’re young. In fact, development teaches us that the kids who “get enough love and attention “ in the early years – the first 3 to be most specific – the better chances they have to stay mentally healthy. Such “critical” periods are from years 0-3 and then again 12 – 14. I have always viewed the teenagers as large toddlers. Just take off the first number of a teenager and this mirrors how they act sometimes. During these time periods, the parental attention need factor is at an all time high, but between these times, the attention from the parent remains needed for kids to develop healthfully. And, once they get their “fill”, they calm down. (more…)

Celebrating Fathers

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

Many fathers never realize how important they are to the development of their children. Yet, as early as in Infancy, the father’s participation in the basic needs of a child have tremendous immediate as well as lasting effects. For example, when fathers help with holding, feeding, and soothing an infant, this experience provides the child with a sense of two, rather than a single caregiver. Here, the small child recognizes that not just one, but at least two caregivers are there to provide relief during stressful times and leads to the establishment of basic trust. (more…)

The Dad Toy

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

Background: Any invested father realizes the same phenomenon. Once their children turn around four years of age,they become their child’s favorite “toy” and seem to never get enough of them until they turn around ten years of age. Just last week, my three kids decided to bypass the high spirited children’s program on a Princess Cruise altogether for me to be their 24/7 entertainer, playmate, coach, and teacher. They explained to me that I was “more fun” than any program and that all they wanted to do for seven days was hang out with me. So after about 30 games of shuffleboard, 25 games of ping pong, 7 or 8 visits to the arcade, hours of swimming everyday, various board and electronic games, story telling and reading, and much more, the cruise was over and school and work resumed. (more…)

Letting them win

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

When you play with your kids, do you let them win?  You really should if they are under the age of 10.  Children between the ages of 4 and 10 are obsessed with the concepts of winning, losing, and fairness.  After all, growing up means giving up all sorts of childhood fantasies that we as parents have always enjoyed.  But, once children begin to dabble in the world of reality testing, they get disappointed, very disappointed and winning fills the gap of a major sense of losing which they all feel.    The losses are huge and widespread during these years.  Wishes to become superheroes, Princes and Princesses, and even your husband or wife, makes us all smile and the list goes on.  But, nothing compares to the wish to be the only child, and this one really hurts the most once they experience the birth of a sibling.  So, kids, like adults, try to find other ways to feel successful and winning is a primary way that kids try to erase their losing pains. It also is a way to build up a healthy ego that they need to have in place in order to make it through the adolescent years without too many scars.  The problem however, is that every other child at their stage of development is on that same page and compete with each other everywhere from the classroom to the football field and they face the music of having to tolerate the fate of reality –  that we win and lose about half the time. (more…)

Avoiding Bad Report Card Surprises

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

“I’ve got it all covered mom, leave me alone….. I’m doing great in all of my classes…….. of course, I’m turning in all of my homework……….. what, do you think, I’m dumb? I did study for that quiz………..”  If you have a grade school child, then you have likely heard one of these phases tossed at you by one of yours kids trying to get you off of their backs when it comes to school work. Or, it could be that your child is overwhelmed and doesn’t even know it! Unfortunately, it is not sometimes until that report card or teacher conference when the parent and child alike find out that school-life is not cool but a problem and then the fight begins at home, or not? (more…)

The Birds & The Bees Revisited

Friday, November 12th, 2010

With all of the changes these days given new age technology, the advent of social media, and an entertainment shift glorifying sexuality both on television and on the big screen, today’s children are exposed to material that would not have been allowed 20 years ago. Factor in fashion, style, and most of the popular music these days, and kids are bombarded with sexuality all day and all night.   Budget cuts in the public school systems have also pushed sex education from the previous grade school introduction ( roughly 4th to 6th grades ), now to Middle School.  In fact, many kids learn about their bodies and sexuality after they have already reached Puberty!  Data from the National Survey of family Growth reports that female teenagers are more likely than male teenagers to report first receiving instruction on birth control methods in high school ( 47% versus 38%) coupled with the fact that 10% of pregnancies these days are teenagers!  Put it all together, and we have a serious problem here and it’s more than kids are growing up too fast.  It’s a cultural shift, as Sociologists explain, where society has become more raw and primitive. (more…)