Face it, Parents have the ability to bring out the best and worst in their children. So much of how our kid’s act has to do with how we choose to parent and respond to them.  Also it has to do with the child’s temperament and phase of development they are going through. Remember parents, Adolescence is a phase… okay a tough phase… but it is a phase nevertheless with a beginning and end. They will grow up to be an adult, it just takes a Village to get them there and we hope healthy.

Teenagers are confusing. They are confused themselves. Sandwiched between both wanting to be independent but still needing their parents for lots of things while going through a multitude of both biological and psychological changes, they are vulnerable creatures. Gauky bodily changes, body hair, pimples, homework, social status and the agonizing list continues. Just ask a teen. They do love to complain and and yet this is one way to get them to actually talk to you. They do get physically tired from life and also from growing so sleeping in on the weekends is sometimes because they are genuinely tired, not just lazy.

To love an adolescent you have to know them and what they are going through. This is difficult though because they don’t like to talk to their parents much anymore – a phase thing – they will talk again when they feel strong, but parents generally need to “infer” what’s going on with them based on remembering one’s own teenage joys and blunders, and responding to them with empathy, love and needed limits to help them manage those tough times. Teens do need limits or they may not make it to adulthood as their natural level of judgment is at best “inconsistent” as they often feel immortal . It’s a teen ego-thing. The healthy teens seem as though they have the world by the tail outside of home because they save their plethora of feelings and needs for where they feel the safest…at home. As a baby they should’ve learned that mom and dad take away their stress and make it all better. This is a good thing and the teens have this experience stored somewhere in their mind. Therefore, there is a sense of comfort being able to let down the outer image when in a safe place. It’s the savvy parent who can realize that those home battles are in the service of healthy development and it helps to laugh ( inside laugh) at some of their dramatics as long as no one gets hurt or something broken. I could say “ encourage your teen to talk about their feelings with you”, but that’s not developmentally going to work at least for most teens. A few words here and there… telling you all of the things you do wrong as a parent and straining to be respectful, is more realistic. Don’t ask them questions, make comments about things you know are going on for them or comment on their mood – “you seem happy today”. You may get a sentence of a response this way rather than some sort of grunt.

So, how do you survive a teen at home? Ride out the storm with them. Assure them that you are in for the ride by sitting next to them serving as their wingman when they can’t steer the ship on their own. But, when they do navigate well make a big deal about it and tell them they should feel good and proud. Teens do love to feel good. This they do have in common with adults.

Finally, to help you better understand what you are dealing with here is how to understand emotionally where a teen will often be developmentally at home. Merely take the first digit off their teenage age and you will see the toddler-equivalent : 13 = 3, etc. By 18, ( 8 ) , they start to become more rule bound and not so random. Once into the 20’s, no need to take off any digits, they have become “real” adults who talk to you again like an old friend and magically ask you about your day.

So the next time your 13 year-old says “really dad?”, smile and know your teen is likely right on track and not just being a pain in the ass. Good job mom and dad.

When 17 year-old Fred received his third rejection letter from the total of ten universities he had applied to for next year, he began to really worry. He has spent his last two years of high school taking very difficult classes, including many AP (Advanced Placement) classes, in order to raise his GPA (Grade Point Average) to increase his chances of being accepted to one of his desired choice colleges. In fact, because his first two years of high school were somewhat difficult for him because he did not make the full connection between good grades and college acceptance, he had to work extra diligently the past two years to be competitive in the acceptance pool.

His dedicated efforts seemed to pay off. By the time he applied to college, he had an A average, sufficient community service, good test scores, and he even trained himself in golf to join the junior varsity golf team at his school just to have this as an asset on his resume. In addition, he had glowing letters of recommendation from three of his teachers and won a service award for volunteering with children earlier in the year. In other words, it seemed Fred did all the “right” things to get into college, but at this moment has been rejected by three schools he had imagined himself attending in the fall.

As with any experience of disappointment, Fred’s ego has been affected. He feels bad, worried, and guilty for not working harder his first two years of high school. Additionally, he is afraid he will also be rejected by his remaining seven schools and then does not know what he will do. For the past week, he has not been able to sleep, does not want to go to school, and has been isolating himself from his friends, many of which got accepted to their schools of choice, due to feeling embarrassed.

Fred’s parents feel terrible for his plight and have tried to be both supportive and encouraging. His father told him that things like this happen and that they will figure out a plan if he does not get accepted to any of the ten schools he applied to. Despite this loving and needed support from his parents, Fred continues to feel miserable and worried. He reasoned, “Why did I work so hard over the past two years to have something like this happen to me. Was it really worth it?”

Fred’s story is a template for the feelings of many high school seniors over the next few months awaiting and receiving their college acceptance and rejection letters filling households with either feelings of elation or disappointment. This is a period of time which moves the late adolescent into the next stage of their lives, namely moving away from home and onto the next stage of their lives, young adulthood. The importances of being accepted or rejected from a university can therefore not only have an effect on the individual’s self-esteem but also in reference to feelings about growing up and becoming more independent from mom and dad.

In most cases, the high school seniors are encouraged to apply to a number of schools rather than just a few due to the increased competition of acceptances these days due to a larger number of students applying to college as well as entrance requirements being much more difficult than in the years past. In fact, a recent statement from the University of California stated that the average GPA for admission into their system is above a 3.7 or an A average. Ten years ago the average admission was a 3.5 and twenty years ago, it was a 3.3. This year, UCLA rejected many students with a 4.2 GPA. These changes have put considerable pressure on both the high school student and their parents to “achieve” at very high levels. To assist with these changes, most high school counselors suggest that aside from applying to schools of desired choice, that the student also apply to what has been termed “safety schools”, just to ensure admission somewhere to allow the student to move forward in both their psychological and academic development.

Such school counselors also try to console their students about the reality of admission competition by educating them that many students either begin college at a community college and then transfer to a four-year university or in other cases a student may decide to transfer colleges after two years at a different four-year school if they are not satisfied with their education or experience.

Rejection from college or any other experience is a difficult one for anyone and manifests in a variety of manifestations including a temporary depletion of self-esteem, sadness, anger, and confusion and doubt. It is essential for the parents of the adolescent who is applying to college to discuss the difficult process of competition prior to the application process and also discuss back-up plans if their child does not get accepted to their preferred choices. The attitude of the parent needs to be both supportive, loving, positive, and guiding in helping their son or daughter get through a difficult period of their life. The parents who understand the multi-significance of college acceptance and rejection, namely that this period is not just about going to college, but has to do with the milestone of becoming an adult are the ones who become the most helpful to their child.

Key Points:

1. College rejection causes a temporary regression and a hurt ego

2. Parents need to be loving, encouraging, and guiding about next options

3. Prepare your child ahead of time for possible rejection based on newfound competition

4. Consider consulting with the school counselor for planning the next step if necessary

When parents fight, kids suffer. Most become worried and anxious. This is certainly the case for 9 year old Kaylee every time her parents get into a loud altercation in their home. The pattern is always the same. Her parents get into an ugly argument, call each other names, makes idle threats, and then go their separate ways for a range of hours to days. Kaylee then cries herself to sleep; worries about her parents getting a divorce; and then, usually gets into some sort of trouble at school the next day. Her teacher, Mrs. T, an old soul with 30 years of teaching has identified the pattern and has developed a loving and caring rapport with Kaylee when such days manifest. Her teacher manages to calm her down, keep her focused, and reassures her that she is loved and will be safe. Parent conferences begin next week and Mrs. T is planning on bringing up the pattern to Kaylee’s parents, but she has had numerous experiences of parents refusing to consider that their behavior has such traumatic effects on their children.

Four-year-old Issac has a similar situation in his home. His parents yell and fight with one another almost all of the time and in front of his and his older brother, Tim. When this happens at the dinner table, Tim will often put his hands over his ears and eventually rescue Issac from the table by taking him upstairs to play some sort of game to get their minds off of their worries. But the play is only temporary. Tim believes the arguing is his fault for having ADD, and Issac consistently bed wets almost in sequence when his parent get into a fight.

The effect of parental fighting in front of children at any age is traumatic and scary. As children from infancy through adolescence depend upon their parents for consistent security, protection, and guidance, parents who cannot manage their feelings leave their children in states of peril. The common conclusion that children make when they see their parents engage in full court arguments is that the family is not a safe haven to rely upon during daily ups and downs that children experience everyday at school and with their peers.

Often times, due to extreme anxiety, children will then develop “symptoms” which are manifestations of their internal conflicts. In the example above, Kaylee’s symptom was difficulty in school, and Issac’s was wetting his bed. Although sad and indicative of a child suffering, the attentive parent can use these signs as wake up calls to change themselves for the benefit of their children.

One of the essential “jobs” of any parent is to be the “filing station” for their child. Here, as children and adolescents struggle, due to normal development, the manage their feelings and choices, they return to their parents on a daily basis verbally or non-verbally to “check in” or “re-fuel” to help them internalize coping mechanisms and good choices to help them mold their personalities and manage themselves. In healthy families, mothers and fathers consciously or unconsciously pick up on these cues from their children and respond to their kids in a consistent loving and guiding style, which soothes the child and helps them learn to manage themselves. When the parent or parents are “out of control” themselves, the child is left without that safe object or objects to rely upon in times of need and fears their own fate when experiencing stressful events.

Our research indicates that parents who cannot manage their own emotions, tend to produce children who are the same. In other words, history repeats itself if the adult –parent does not attempt to shift their own ways of managing themselves in the presence of their children. Irrespective of all of the years of schooling that children withstand over the years, the parents are the fundamental teachers to their children and remain so throughout adolescence and even into adulthood.

Tips to Help Parents Calm Down:

1. Learn to manage your own anger better.

2. Think about your kids before you get into a fight with your partner

3. Be aware of how your behavior can hurt your child

4. Set good examples of how to deal with conflict

5. Always remember that home needs to be the safe/responsible haven

6. Get help if you can’t manage the conflicts yourself.

Background:

Little did Debbie realize was that what Benjamin was doing was a very good sign of normal development. Between the second and fourth years of life as children become more comfortable with themselves, usually due to good parenting, and desire more independence as they try to find ways to separate from their parents, especially their mother. Despite strong needs to remain close to their primary caregivers, another part of them has identified that they are a separate being and want to explore their worlds with more autonomy. The mother therefore, or whichever parent is the primary caretaker, becomes the obstacle to such intentions and are therefore targeted as the enemy during such times. This is balanced however with the child’s continued needs to be nurtured and to retain the love and admiration of the parent.

Once the “terrible twos” has been worked through, usually due to the child feeling internally loved for being a separate being, but also has learned to comply with certain rules that mom and dad insist upon, the early childhood years between 5 and 6 are less argumentative as the child is practicing being a “bigger girl or boy” and tries to relate on a more mature level with his or her parents. Fantasies of being adults, superheroes, princesses, and policemen, occupy hours of imaginative play and can be very entertaining for the parents. However, once the child learns about more of the realities of life and that their wishful magical desires are impossible, they become disappointed and frustrated. Such feelings then become placed onto the parents, especially mother, and once again requests for compliance are often met with resistance and anger. As a residue from the disappointment of thwarted wishes, everything doesn’t feel “fair” and requests to do things from taking showers to completing homework feels intrusive and fights between children and their parents are common. Once again, the mother is the “bad news” messenger and gets an earful.

Sometimes the years between 10 and 11 are calmer, depending upon the temperament of the child, and how well he or she manages feelings of anger and frustration, but once pre-adolescence and the adolescent years proper evolve, mom once again becomes a frequent target of displeasure. For the girls, the cause is a combination of envy, competition, and wishes for more independence, and the boys a combination of identifying mom as both powerful and also a member of the opposite sex, causes anxiety and at times significant distance. Once adolescence is over however, both boys and girls typically develop healthy relationships with their parents as they have worked through the kinks of development and are once and for all independent beings.

So, how can mothers weather the storms of their children’s needs to separate from them and continue to love, nurture, and parent them through this process? To make matters even more complicated, fathers tend not to receive the extent of the negativity that the mother endures. This is due to the fact that fathers tend to be more of a medium between mother and child and assist in the process of separation due to the fact that the mother, or whichever parent is the one who spends the most time with the children, is viewed as the one who is the most frustrating and limiting and therefore receives the most negativity.

1. Understand that maternal rejection is a normal and expected aspect of development.

2. Don’t take it personally.

3. Manage your feelings of sadness and frustration.

4. Continue to be loving, empathic, but set limits when the negativism crosses the line.

5. Get your spouse to support your position.

6. Realize that these are only stages.

The mothers who understand and practice these important principles, tend to manage these stages with their children in the most optimal ways and their children move through his or her development with less difficulties then when mothers and fathers react in ways which either make their child feel bad or abandoned.

Background:

Aside from desiring independence as a cause of poor listening or direction skills, also involves what the child is being asked to do or complete. Most children have excellent listening and directional skills if the task is “fun” or to their liking even at home. The greater the lack of desire towards the situation, the greater the lack of compliance for poor listening and poor direction following are the outward manifestations of “frustration and anger”, unless the particular child has a true form of an Attention Deficit Disorder, which is often mistaken for normal developmental imperfections. I have parents tell me every day that when their children are engaged in a video game or an activity they like and is stimulating, attention and direction following is almost perfect. On the other hand, having to do homework, take a shower, take out the trash, are common examples of when many children will “tune out”, “act out”, or just not comply. Very rarely however, the child is consciously aware they are angry and unhappy and just “act out their feelings”.

As in other topics I have written about parents “needing to know how to read their child’s behavior”, this topic is no exception. The response of the parent to a child who is not listening or following directions, will help with the outcome of the particular condition. The two extremes – a parent who just gets angry and punishes or the parent who throws his or her arms up and does not insist upon compliance, both lose as well as the child. The parent who is able to connect to their child’s dismay, empathize with them, but then hold them responsible, a position we call “benevolent firmness”, are the ones who produce the children who know what they feel, but not take it out on themselves or others (as much). The true task of any “good” parent is to be able to try to put themselves in their child’s shoes and think what it must be like for them – in other words – try to think like 8 year old having to eat rather than play – this atonement of feeling brings the parent closer to their child and helps with attachment and compliance. Sure, the child will still try to differentiate and be stubborn at times, but not as much if they have a parent who is attuned to them and can help them manage their feelings.

This process of empathy, identification of feelings, calm use of words, and then follow through with the demand at hand needs to start early for good habits to develop. To assist in the child’s wish for some independence however, the optimal parent allows their child to have some choice over non mandatory types of activities to help them feel as though they are indeed an individual, but still needs to follow certain parental standards which are clearly in the child’s best interest. Failure to both insist on accountability and also allow for some free choice, can lead to many childhood and adolescent psychological problems which are symptoms for underlying conflicts having to do with inner conflicts that have become too intense for the child or adolescent to manage. It is often at these times, that I end up consulting with parents and tracing the roots to earlier years of developmental and psychological struggles.

The good news, is that it is never too late to make changes in how a parent relates to their child. Children, like parents, can change and sometimes the parent has to change before their child and be better listener to their child’s behavior as an impression of what is going on in their minds.

Key Points:

1. poor listening/following directions is a normal part of toddler-hood.

2. parents commonly feel disrespected or hurt when this happens.

3. strong-willed children are the most challenging in these areas.

4. poor listening or direction following is usually a sign of anger about the task.

5. parents need to know how to “read” their child’s behavior for the feeling inside.

6. “benevolent firmness” is the best approach to such conditions.

7. The combination of required tasks mixed with some choice works best to help a child reach normal independence.

Whining is one of those child behaviors which tends to drive parents “nuts” for it is very annoying, and creates anger inside of the parent. Conflicted with common guilt over the parent’s anger, how the parent then responds to the whining will have significant effect on the outcome. Most children who excessively whine either have very strong-willed temperaments or have found effective ways of “getting to their parents” in a way that perpetuates their “whining habit”. On the other hand, all children will whine periodically and is something that all parents must accept. The challenge however, is how to best intervene when your child “whines up” and there are certain tactics that tend to work better than others.

1. Accept that your child will whine from time to time. As mentioned, especially with young children, whining takes the places of using words to express dismay about something.

2. Manage your anger and frustration. The parental attitude is crucial when children act up. Parents who either get too angry or give in tend to produce “habitual whiners”. Calm yourself down, use a soft voice when interacting with your upset child.

3. Find the cause. Parents need to determine the cause of the whining and try to either remove the condition or soothe their child through what is bothering them. Once again, young children do not yet have this automatic capacity and need to take in this attribute by hearing the calming words and clarification of the parent.

4. Talk to your child about what is bothering them in an empathic manner. For example, when your child is whining about having to stop playing a video game to go to school. Tell them that you know they are angry and that having to stop is very upsetting to them and encourage them to use their words to tell you about their feelings.

5. Set limits after expressing empathy. This is the tough part and is where many parents drop the ball. Initially setting limits intensifies the child’s whining and anger at the parent (which must be accepted by the parent), but the parent then needs to hold the child responsible for their noted task. This will then eventually calm the child down for he or she will not feel as though they overpowered their parent and will eliminate making them feel guilty.

6. Do not let the whining episode ruin your day. In most cases, once the above mentioned tactics are used, the child calms down, has a good day, and forgets about what happened earlier in the day and may even greet you in a great mood. Don’t hold your breath however, because there will sure to be another episode of whining in the next hour or two. But, when parents are consistent in how they handle those “whinny times”, the child will learn to talk, rather than act out his or her plight.

7. Whining tapers over time. Like any developmental phase, excessive whining too will subside over time and turn into verbal complaints, which again the parent needs to manage and respond to in the same ways as earlier whining.

When children feel understood and have parents who are both empathic yet firm, excessive whining or complaining tends to reduce in frequency and takes on a normal path of typical childhood and adolescent complaining which as parents, we need to be able to manage and help them through their temporary state of discomfort.

Background:

Regarding children, especially young ones, they perceive how things are going not only from their own experiences, but from the observation of how their parents both manage their own stress, and how the parent responds to the them during times of conflict.  Take 10 year old Bradley for example.  He is a very good student, but has some particular difficulty in math.  He is very discouraged that he does very well in most of his other subjects, but tends to struggle in various concepts that he has been learning this year.  His mother is a very loving and well-intended person, but becomes upset and anxious when Bradley gets stuck on certain math facts and will in fact make comments to him such as “if you don’t get this stuff, you may never be that scientist that you want to be when you grow up”.  One could reason that her comment was an attempt to motivate Bradley to perhaps “study harder”, but in many cases, a comment such as this one might be very upsetting to a child and become internalized that they are perhaps flawed and actually backfire and decrease motivation.

Positivism and being realistic are vital parental traits that truly help children succeed!  Research and everyday experiences teach us that when we approach conditions with confidence and determination, the end result tends to be positive.  However, children are still developing such traits and need good models and feedback to help them internalize such important personality traits.  From an early age, parents need to instill a sense of “calmness” as a response to stress.  This actually begins in infancy, where the optimal role of the primary caretakers are to actually “relieve the distress” of an infant’s discomfort – in other words, take away the discomfort from the outside, not assume that the completely dependent baby can somehow do this him or herself.  They can’t.  And when parents do not function in this manner towards their child at least for the first 3 years of life, many individuals become quite disturbed either as children or no later than adolescence.

Self-soothing is a function that both adults and children share alike.  Children get it from their parents, and parents need to be able to do this themselves before they can give it to them.  But the benefits are amazing.  Both the child and parent alike are calmer.  Calmness then leads to better judgment and outcome. Furthermore, when adolescents and their parents are both calm, they get along better. Consider 16 year old Emily who was invited over to her best-friend’s house for a Jonas Brother’s Easter Party (no, the Jonas Brothers are NOT going to be there).  Emily really wants to go, but knows that her mother is going to “freak-out” about it and bombard her with questions about supervision, drugs, alcohol, and boys.  Emily knows that her mom tends to be a “worrier” and in fact is not sure she even wants to ask if she can go to avoid the interface with her mother, but, she really wants to go and is NOT personally concerned about any wrongdoings at this party.  Her friends are all straight A students who think that drinking and doing drugs is just dumb!. In this case, Emily’s mom is the one who is anxious and this anxiety is then causing tension for Emily.

Can self-soothing be learned after the first 3 years of life? Sure, but it takes both understanding and hard work.  For the adults, it takes talking to oneself in the same soothing manner as the parent would express to the child.  We could call this, “being your own internal parent”. Such commentary includes the elements of soothing and then realistic appraisal of the situation that is causing the stress.  Then comes the outcome which has been developed through calm introspection.  If Emily’s mom would have calmed herself down, reviewed her trust in Emily and evaluated her level of judgment, she and Emily would have had a “calm” discussion about the party and made a decision about whether Emily should go or just stay home and listen to the Jonas Brothers on her I-pod.

Key Points:

•  Anxious Parents = Anxious Children
•  Adults need to model how to manage stress
•  Calm introspection is the optimal level of functioning
•  Self-soothing can be learned but is hard work
•  Parents get along better with children when both parties are calm

For Ed, the idea of becoming a father was wonderful. Although he lost his own father in a traffic accident when he was 10 years old, and his mother did not remarry, he thought that having children would “complete his life” and give him the chance to provide a degree of fatherhood which his father was unable to provide for him. He was also an only child and was hoping that they would be able to have at least two children so his children would have siblings which he had longed for as a child. He and his mother had a very close bond and felt as though he was always at the center of her world which made him feel much loved and nurtured. He also envisioned that having a baby would additionally deepen his love and intimacy with Ellen.

Ellen was the youngest of three children and was raised in an intact family. She had solid relationships with both of her parents and siblings and wanted to raise a family in a similar fashion as to the one in which she grew up in. She was used to sharing her parent’s attention with her siblings and and was excited about the idea of extending her immediate family with Ed.

Throughout the pregnancy, Ellen and Ed continued to bond and were sexually intimate with one another well into her second trimester. However, during Ellen’s third trimester, she develop back pain and did not feel physically up to making love any longer. This became conflictual for Ed. On the one hand, he had compassion for Ellen’s plight, but he also felt somewhat frustrated that they were temporarily unable to be intimate with one another.

The birth of the baby was a celebration for both Ed and Ellen. Together they joined in the expression of their love for one another and began to discuss both immediate plans for taking care of Diane and future plans for their family. Ellen chose to *** feed on demand and Diane began to immediately bond onto Ellen and the two of them fell in love. Ed too, felt close to Diane, but began to feel a bit left out of the triad. He found himself feeling conflicted between elation regarding being a father, but also frustrated for he felt as though the dynamics had changed. No longer was he the center of Ellen’s attention; he was having to share her with his infant daughter. As Ed was an only child, sharing a “mother” was something he never had to experience.

To further complicate matters, like all infants, Diane was awake almost every two hours to nurse and his sleep became disrupted as they kept Diane in a crib in their bedroom to make it easier for Ellen to feed her. This resulted in Ed feeling tired most mornings for the first four months until Diane was able to sleep through the night. Sex was also on hold for the first eight weeks as well, which was also difficult for Ed for it was a primary way for him to feel closer to Ellen and began to take her inability to be sexual too personally. In other words, he felt as though he had “lost” something by having Diane which made him feel ambivalent and guilty for having some mild resentment towards her as it was changing his relationship with Ellen. As a first time father, Ed was not anticipating that as Diane matured, his relationship with Ellen would once again become intimate and their relationship would broaden as they parented together Instead, Ed was feeling confused. He loved his new baby, but also felt a bit sad, resentful, and worried about his future with Ellen in reference to their intimacy.

Ellen, on the other hand, was “the happiest she had ever been”. Her life felt complete. She had a loving husband, a baby who was in love with her, and life was at its best for her.

The description above is a common example of what happens in many, if not most, first time families, when the couple, or husband/father in particular ,has not familiarized himself with what to expect when one’s spouse becomes pregnant and then has a child. In fact, the literature is more plentiful for upcoming mothers as “what to expect when they are expecting”, than for the fathers in terms of the changes and challenges in both their relationship with their spouse and the changing family unit.

For the father, the birth of a child is both wonderful, but also naturally compromising. The gift of a child supplies a movement into a new developmental phase, fatherhood, which is filled with gratifications and responsibilities, but also causes change in merely being in a two-person dyad. In other words, the couple moves into a family, causing an extension of each individual’s love, attention, and caring beyond the couple onto a child. For the father, he will commonly feel a bit left out of the picture, even a bit rejected, as the new baby is bonding with their primary care-taker, which is usually the mother, especially if the couple chooses *** over bottle feeding. This feeling typically lasts up until about a year of age when the baby begins to seek out others aside from mother to associate, namely the father as weaning from *** feeding usually comes to an end. In families that choose bottle feeding from the beginning, fathers will often take a more active role, as well as fathers who actively engage in holding their babies if their wives choose to *** feed.

One’s family of origin experiences also play a part in how the father will manage these changes. For example, with Ed, being an only child without a father, provided him with the undivided attention of his mother throughout his childhood and adolescent development. This dynamic was then repeated in his relationship with Ellen up until she became pregnant with Diane. Once born, Ed, for the first time in his life, had to share a “mother”, which was an unfamiliar experience for him, although unconscious. Here, feelings of envy, competition, mixed with love and admiration towards both Ellen and Diane would be expected. Ed having some insight into both himself and the process of fatherhood during infancy, would have surely helped him get through this period of time and improved his relatedness with both Ellen and Diane. For other fathers, such as those who had experienced siblings, the advent of a new baby reintroduces unconscious sibling rivalry and depending upon how well this was tolerated and managed during childhood and adolescence, will predict how the father will relate with a new baby who is competing with him for the attention of his wife/mother.

In extreme cases, some fathers will become depressed during the first year of life of their new babies; a male form of Postpartum Depression. This is usually due to unconscious feelings of anger and resentment regarding the losses and changes evident in having a new baby. However, most fathers who educate themselves about fatherhood through either reading or talking with their peers, often offset any depressive condition and tend to manage their conflicting feelings of love and loss well-enough to participate fully in being a new father and expanding their relationship with their spouse.

Over time, fathers tend to habituate, or adapt to the “new” family lifestyle. During the second year of life, the role of the father becomes very important and most toddlers will reach out to their fathers as a way of separating from the mother. Most fathers love when this happens. Their relationship with their spouse further broadens to include children and intimacy returns although perhaps not as frequently due to the responsibilities of raising small children and the level of investment and fatigue that most parents experience. Over time however, as the children grow and mature, the couple may return to the early days of intimacy and increased time together in a dyad, but this may not happen until the children are well into adolescence or even until they leave home for college or work.

Key Points:

1. Fatherhood introduces gains and losses.

2. Most new fathers feel happy, sad, and rejected.

3. Family of origin issues predict how a new father will adapt to a new baby.

4. Postpartum Depression can happen with fathers as well as mothers.

5. Fathers who educate themselves as to what

Background:

Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then chil dren who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of this is constitutional, or genetic, but at other times can be based on learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type of friendsh ips that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage their own conflicts with others.

Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend or group, but in other cases no t make such good choices. This is often due to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example, many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister. Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts fail. The motivation here is to be li ked by someone who may have too much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task. On the other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends and escape social problems.

Parents though can help this process by teaching their children appropriate social ski lls as soon as their child has attained enough maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play” which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this, children naturally play aside from other children until they develop enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It is at th e cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict and resolution.

As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6, when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two children and set some basic standards about how their should play together and also have some limits about both the types of games=2 0they may play and also specify what location they should play within – this “structure” then helps set the stage for a successful play time which then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic “rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activitie s; being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution. These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers, both the point is that children need social skill training as much as learning how to master academic material.

As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas: previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how their parents get along with each other and their adult friends. Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:

• someone who really likes them for who they are
• has good morals and family values
• manages conflict in a reasonable fashion
• has the tendency to give and receive
• can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
• has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child

When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and academic or occupational performance.

Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source. Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts.

Key Points:

• parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
• help your child and their play date learn how to play together
• help your child learn how to manage conflict resolution early in their development
• get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
• encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
• model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
• get some outside help early if necessary.