Change is a conscious choice that often times is conquered by unconscious baggage. Take smokers for example .  Most people who smoke cigarettes know that they will eventually kill them and want to “quit”, but can’t. Why? Because there are underlying conflicts that keep the person “hooked” and any change is experienced as terrifying. Yep, that’s right. Change is terrifying even if it’s in the best interest of the person. This is because the unknown is just that.  Unknown.  Based on each person’s experiences , the future may be bright or dark. People with a generally positive attitude manage change better than those who have had their hard knocks. Either way, change is a wrench in the spokes of a person’s daily homeostasis.

So, change involves conscious choice and focusing on something new, something different. Something uncomfortable. Most people seem to live in the past or the future.  The intention of this is predictability which is in a way adaptive.  Past experiences give a person some sort of a road map which reduces anxiety on the one hand but then biases the person to look at new situations as just that, new. Living in the future once again is a mental attempt to gain some sort of control.  The problem however, is that if you don’t have a crystal ball, you are 50% likely at to predict the wrong outcome.  But, then again predicting is an attempt to control. Living in the past tends to make most people feel sad or unfulfilled. Living in the unpredicted future usually makes a person feel anxious. Living now is just that. Here is where change fits in. Not going backwards or forwards often leaves a person feeling “strange”. Painfully not going backwards or forwards is painful. Habitually, people go one way or the other. Stopping that pattern is painful. But, when one experiences the mastery of the present, they feel better. They feel stronger. In fact, they are more attentive to the task at hand. Managing what is the immediate quest alleviates anxiety and also promotes self esteem. When I treat kids with ADHD and I can get them to stay present, they overcome their anxiety which is at the root of their inattention.

Change is painful but necessary. Growth is based on overcoming the hurtles of life. But, when a person jumps that hurtle and focuses on the next one, they get faster and stronger. So, put the past behind you and stop trying to predict the future. Change is now. It may be painfully unfamiliar, but worth it.

“OUCH”. The connotations associated with Tough Love are commonly negative.  It feels as though the approach is “mean” and “harsh”, rather than a “wake up” call that behavior needs to change. The approach does entail “love”, but the delivery is not done in a teddy bear fashion. It is direct and to the point.  The behavior must change or there will be a consequence. This approach is based on Learning Theory.  That negatively reinforcing a behavior reduces the repetition of the behavior in question.  A child hits their sibling and they gets a time out because a parent will not allow their child to do something “wrong”.  Tough love.  What is the alternative?  Reinforcing “positive” behavior?  Positive Parenting?  Nope, the research does not support this approach.  This is why. Kids are not that simple.  They are not dogs. If a kid thinks they can get away with something, they will.  This is reality.  When a child has a limit, they are forced to change.  If they get a reward for being “good”, this has nothing to do with the “bad” behavior. Rewarding successful behavior is also essential, but, it’s not enough.  Parents need to be the “bad” guy sometimes and it’s a tough position to take for most parents.  Why?  It is much easier to gratify a child than punish them. Most parents cringe when they feel as though they have made their own child cry. “Ouch”.  Guilt is one of the most common pitfalls of good parenting.  But remember, no pain, no gain. Limits promote growth and inhibit regression. Most successful schools in fact utilize a Tough Love approach and are the most effective in promoting appropriate behavior and have the fewest problems with both Bullies & Mean Girls.  These school also produce the most students who go to College.  Why? The students know that there are Standards that must be followed or there will be a price to pay.  Kids can understand this and it is helpful, not harmful.

The difference between technology and human behavior are quite different.  Technology does change , but human behavior does not. People behave consistently despite the changing world around them.  For example, violent television and video games are proved to cause overstimulation in most kids if they are overexposed.  Overstimulation is a human condition.  However, the ways that we effectively deal with it is the same now as it was 100 years ago. Limits. Tough love. Dealing with behavior is well defined with research and clinical data.  Kids need limits when they break the rules.  Otherwise, they become entitled and self-centered. Parents have to sometimes be the “bad guys” because they love their children. In fact , the optimal role of a parent is to help their child to function in society,  and not live in some sort of “special” bubble.

Kids who act out have problems. They have not internalized rules and the essence of right versus wrong.  Limits, rules, laws, and adult intervention are necessary to keep kids on track but this does not happen a lot of the time.  Why ?  Parents fear setting limits.  They fear their kids not liking them and fear they are hurting them.  No. Limits are love.  Kids need parents to draw the line. They are not yet capable of self-responsibility until they reach at least late adolescence ( 17 years + ).

Even Sigmund Freud in his landmark essay Civilization and its Discontents spelled out how without rules, laws, and holding people accountable, society would not exist,and he was right on this one. Parents need to set limits. They need to be tough when their kids are not towing their own ability to self-regulate according to their age.  Infantilization is treating a kid as though they cannot follow a rule.  This communicates to the child that they don’t have to.  When they reach Adulthood,  they become selfish, non empathic, and pathetic. “YUCK”.

So parents, don’t be afraid to be “tough” in the love department when your kid acts  entitled or don’t tow the line of what they are able to accomplish.  It’s okay to reinforce when they do something well but it is equally or more important to stop them from doing something wrong or stupid.  That is love.  Looking out for the best interests of a child’s complete development is the optimal role of good parenting.  But, you have to be tough sometimes to show your kids that you really do love them.

Second.  Educating your children that when these traumas or disasters happen, we come together as a Nation and figure out how to make things even safer. It is safe to say that the Boston bombing will certainly lead to greater security in public events.  Third, emphasizing empathy for the victims helps your child decenter and focus on the need to help others who were less fortunate.  Fourth, assure them that you will protect them directly – statements like ” we will never let anything or anyone hurt you”, immediately sends relief to your child.  You may have to say it a bunch of times, but it will sink in.  Fifth.  Keep them on track.  Letting your child regress by not going to school, sleep in your bed, or hide in a closet, will only make them feel worse.  When they witness that their day is safe, they will recover faster.

Finally, and most importantly, calm yourself down.  Refrain from watching too many News shows covering the graphics.  It’s not good for you or your kids to replay disaster and meanness. The unfortunate yet true result of disasters is that it does make us stronger.  Without being tested, technology and better ways of dealing with life as we know it would not be possible.

Background:  Planning ahead for a successful summer is important for the mental health of the child and parent alike.  Many parents wait until the very last minute to schedule activities for their child creating problems with scheduling and camps filling up quickly.  Another common pitfall is either allowing the child free reign about their summer activities or, on the other hand, the parent micromanaging the activities of their child’s summer.  Parents need to both ask themselves what they believe is in the best interest of their child over the summer as well as consulting with their child to determine their understood needs as well.  Ideally, summertime should be a balance between scheduled activities and play for the child.  Time should be scheduled for activities such as camps, academic remediation if necessary, and plenty of time for rest and play with friends.  Summer is also a time to try new skills that often cannot be attempted during the school year because of too many time constraints (i.e. taking up a musical instrument).  Finally, summer is also an important time for families to spend time together on vacation or merely enjoying each other’s company.

Referencing activities, the attentive parent should be the one to introduce the concept of a balanced summer to their child and then discuss options with them allowing the child some choice in the type of scheduled activities they will participate within.  (i.e. the type of camp they may attend; a type of sport to learn).  Children and adolescents are not capable of doing this alone.  Once determined, it is important to find programs which are organized, have a low staff to camper ratio, have good reputations, and are importantly, fun.

Balancing fun camps and activities with some academic or artistic activity helps keeps the child’s mind in learning shape and often makes the transition back to school in the Fall an easier transition.  Research shows that a scheduled and balanced summer also leads to higher self-esteem, greater productivity, less anxiety and opposition, and more harmony around the house.  Parents following these recommendations are less anxious as well.

Key Points:
1.  Parents:  Introduce the concept of a balanced summer
2.  Plan out activities in advance and put on a schedule
3.  Give some choice in picking the type of activities to do
4.  Find programs with good reputations and low staff/camper ratios
5.  Plan academic remediation if necessary
6.  Don’t forget about family time

Considering that during the lifespan developmental transitions are inevitable, Midlife is no exception.  In fact, Midlife introduces perhaps the biggest questions as to whether or not an individual has spent the first half of their lives fulfilled or not. Whereas the Adolescent transition is about weaning away from childhood fantasies and greater strives towards becoming an independent adult, Midlife is the second stage of Adult development. In early adult development, the quests have to do with financial, relational, and solidifying a secure lifestyle, Midlife is about facing the idea that life is half over. This significant difference of so-called tasks of “success “ becomes a major focus in the mind of the middle adult consciously and unconsciously along with retirement and death.

As the body and mind age, a sense of vulnerability begins to set in.  Physical maturation and aging ; financial stability; interpersonal happiness; and an overview of whether or not the person has a sense of both fulfillment and enjoyment fills the mind of that middle adult.  “Am I where I want to be at this stage of my life” ; “Do I feel fulfilled”.

Depending upon the particular individual, the outcome can go in a variety of directions.  For some, they feel content and fulfilled and the transition to middle life is accepted and enjoyed.  Within this group, the areas of finance, personal happiness, interpersonal relationships, and an acceptance of aging are met in stride and the individual continues to live their life without much change other than an acceptance of some things they cannot control such as an aging body and mind.  Here, there is a preservation of their current lifestyle and some logical planning for the future, such as retirement, and a general sense of perhaps slowing down a little.

For others in entering midlife, the experience might be much different.  For those who do not feel content with their life review up to this point can lead to one of two roads : eliciting active change in order to improve their well-being mentally and or physically, or in the extreme sense they go into a crisis.  The midlife crisis group are the ones who struggle with either accepting the inevitable changes in midlife or who do not feel as if they can make the necessary changes to improve their present state of affairs and plan for some changes to make their lives better and perhaps the best they have ever been. Here is where haphazard actions can manifest often leading to greater conflicts and sometimes failure.

On the other hand, when a person in Midlife can logically consider their life review, they can plan some changes which could enhance their life, not complicate it.  For example, in midlife when a person is not feeling financially stable or even happy with their current means of income, this might be the adaptive time to transition into some new profession or way to manage their monies. If their health is not where it should be, this could be the time to take better care of their bodies. If they do not have any friends, this could be the time to meet new people – join a club, learn a sport, or make more of an effort to reach out to people.

Changes have to do with choice and motivation once a person has determined what those changes need to be. However, by midlife, life habits have become incorporated in the person’s character or personality making transitions very difficult due to potential fears of the unknown.  This is where careful planning, discussing changes with trusted friends, and taking very active steps while managing the discomfort of change becomes the quest.  Keeping in mind that the outcome is designed to improve, not reduce stress and life enjoyment should be the catalyst propelling the individual to take some action to make the second half of their life better than the first.

The final stage of life is Late Adulthood.  Here, the tasks are to review one’s life with pleasure, not regret, and to have a family of friends and loved ones helping to commemorate the full life that a person has lived.  Dying happy and filled with love , accomplishment, and not afraid is perhaps the ultimate goal.  To get there however, the Midlife individual needs to be logical, realistic, and make a plan that they dedicate themselves to follow through with realizing that with all change come challenges and managing some feelings of anxiety which are normal whenever a person makes a significant change of direction.  The outcome however is worth it and lowering stress and improving the quality of one’s life has proved to extend life, not shorten it.

Teaching Kids Stranger Awareness Without Instilling Fear

The second factor in successfully getting your kids to act “age appropriate” is just that.  You must narrow your expectations for what a child is capable of doing based on their “functional age”. I use the term “functional” rather than mental or physical, because functional pertains to your child’s actual capacity of successfully completing tasks.  In all stages of child and adolescent developmental , there are what we call developmental tasks that kids “should” be able to perform based on normal development.  For example, expecting a 6 year old child to successfully feed your dog is just not in their tool box at this age and asking them to take care of an animal is just not fair to both your kid and your pet.  At 10 years of age on the other hand, this is a great chore that can be accomplished by a child of this age. Therefore, make your child responsible for doing things they can and should be able to do for themselves at their age.  Homework is another great example.  If your child is in 4th grade, then they should be able to do the homework as long as they are paying attention in class and following the methodology of the teacher.  In those dreaded teacher conferences, we find out the truth and can then often recalibrate how we help our child meet the normal and successful tasks for their age. Failing to hold your child responsible for doing things they can actually do at their age is disrupting their development.  That’s right.  When parents, and we all do it, “over do it”, we actually create dependency and instill a sense of doubt in our own children. This also leads to our children feeling entitled.  This then makes them angry at us. For they also have desires to be independent of us. Bottom line.  Make your kids do what they can and should do for their particular age and grade level.

Third.  Make a list of all of the “functional” areas that your child can and should accomplish at their age.  This can begin as early as age 6.  Review and post such a list in an area where you and they can review often.  You can make a list for yourself and post it as well.  It can include things like ” I will not do homework for you that you should be able to do”.  Kids love it when we have rules to follow just like they do.

Finally.  Reward them.  The best reward for any child is witnessing personal success.  This is what self-esteem and self-confidence are made of.  However, kids like stuff too and there is nothing wrong with a weekly allowance for “taking care of themselves ( and maybe the dog too ). “.

Parenting is indeed the toughest job in the world but having a road map of what is and is not possible, should make it at least a little easier.

Playing sports and exercising is known to have a multitude of benefits physically and psychologically for adults and children alike. On the psychological side for children, one of the highest benefits of sport is the displacement of stress into an activity that can generate both better health and self-esteem. Individual sports are great ways to achieve all of the many benefits sport has to offer. However, being on a team enriches psychological development and maturation in very significant ways.  Below are the valuable gifts that team sports offer to children which are different from the benefits of both individual sports.

1. Team sports help children learn how to function as part of a group reaching for a common goal.  Such sports force cooperation and a reliance on one another to reach a goal. This element can then be generalized to all other aspect of a child’s life including group projects and also someday working in a venue with others.
2. Team sports help children tolerate wins and losses with peer reference for such experiences.  When children view their peers going through similar experiences , it helps them both normalize and tolerate the feelings better.
3. Team sports reinforce the physical health aspects of sport.  It is also often more fun for kids to exercise in a group with some competition than independently.
4. Team sports are wonderful ways for children to put their emotions into something healthy and constructive.  In fact, most children who play team sports do not use drugs or alcohol as frequently as children who do not exercise on a regular basis.
5. Finally, kids who play team sports tend to function better with both their siblings and parents at home because being a team member at home always makes thing more functional.

The multi-benefits of individual sports are also plentiful but team sports bring more social benefits which are equally beneficial for a child or adolescent’s development. If you are interested in introducing the idea of a team sport with your child, let them pick the sport, not you, so they feel like it’s for them, not you and be their biggest fan. They will appreciate your support.

It’s hard to imagine that when Saint Valentine performed illegal marriages for prisoners who were forbidden to marry that he would have thought that his acts would lead to a tradition of sending flowers, cards, and candy to loved ones.  Well, this actually is not the case.  In fact, the sending of such tokens of love is really a Western Culture tradition that is not necessarily an International way of expressing love.  For example, in Latin America, there are no flowers, cards, and candy.  Instead, the tradition is to perform acts of love and kindness for loved ones on their day of celebration. I like this tradition because being loving to the one a person cares for ought to be a healthy daily activity and not just restricted to a particular day.  Love notes, kind acts, even flowers can be given to someone whenever the heart desires.

But, here in the Western part of the world, the stereotype is that sending flowers, cards, and candy is the way lovers are “suppose to” express “love” for their significant other on a particular day, February 14th.  Therefore, there is a sense of “obligation” or “pressure”  that if they do not express their love in this particular fashion, they are not fulfilling the expectations of “love” according to the tradition of Valentine’s Day the way we have defined it.  The problem is that once “expectation” becomes part of the equation, the essence of one’s personal means of expressing love and admiration to their mate becomes more of a task than an expression of unique love. Has Valentine’s Day been another example of  “keeping up with the Jones’s”? How sad is that.

Each couple’s experience of love should be unique and celebrated by the particular knowledge of what makes each person feel loved by the other. Saint Valentine married people out of love, not expectation. If cards, flowers, and candy are your way of showing love to your partner, then buy and give.  However, if you think some other means of sharing your love with your mate would be more significant, then show them in this “special” way. After all,  if you have true love with your partner, he or she will be more taken by your own way of expression then some stock card and some flowers.  Love between people is unique and should be celebrated in special ways that make your relationship special, not just based on some outside force.