Archive for the ‘school’ Category

Tough Love

Saturday, April 27th, 2013

“OUCH”. The connotations associated with Tough Love are commonly negative. It feels as though the approach is “mean” and “harsh”, rather than a “wake up” call that behavior needs to change. The approach does entail “love”, but the delivery is not done in a teddy bear fashion. It is direct and to the point. The behavior must change or there will be a consequence. This approach is based on Learning Theory. That negatively reinforcing a behavior reduces the repetition of the behavior in question. A child hits their sibling and they gets a time out because a parent will not allow their child to do something “wrong”. Tough love. What is the alternative? Reinforcing “positive” behavior? Positive Parenting? Nope, the research does not support this approach. This is why. Kids are not that simple. They are not dogs. If a kid thinks they can get away with something, they will. This is reality. When a child has a limit, they are forced to change. If they get a reward for being “good”, this has nothing to do with the “bad” behavior. Rewarding successful behavior is also essential, but, it’s not enough. Parents need to be the “bad” guy sometimes and it’s a tough position to take for most parents. Why? It is much easier to gratify a child than punish them. Most parents cringe when they feel as though they have made their own child cry. “Ouch”. Guilt is one of the most common pitfalls of good parenting. But remember, no pain, no gain. Limits promote growth and inhibit regression. Most successful schools in fact utilize a Tough Love approach and are the most effective in promoting appropriate behavior and have the fewest problems with both Bullies & Mean Girls. These school also produce the most students who go to College. Why? The students know that there are Standards that must be followed or there will be a price to pay. Kids can understand this and it is helpful, not harmful.

The difference between technology and human behavior are quite different. Technology does change , but human behavior does not. People behave consistently despite the changing world around them. For example, violent television and video games are proved to cause overstimulation in most kids if they are overexposed. Overstimulation is a human condition. However, the ways that we effectively deal with it is the same now as it was 100 years ago. Limits. Tough love. Dealing with behavior is well defined with research and clinical data. Kids need limits when they break the rules. Otherwise, they become entitled and self-centered. Parents have to sometimes be the “bad guys” because they love their children. In fact , the optimal role of a parent is to help their child to function in society, and not live in some sort of “special” bubble.

Kids who act out have problems. They have not internalized rules and the essence of right versus wrong. Limits, rules, laws, and adult intervention are necessary to keep kids on track but this does not happen a lot of the time. Why ? Parents fear setting limits. They fear their kids not liking them and fear they are hurting them. No. Limits are love. Kids need parents to draw the line. They are not yet capable of self-responsibility until they reach at least late adolescence ( 17 years + ).

Even Sigmund Freud in his landmark essay Civilization and its Discontents spelled out how without rules, laws, and holding people accountable, society would not exist,and he was right on this one. Parents need to set limits. They need to be tough when their kids are not towing their own ability to self-regulate according to their age. Infantilization is treating a kid as though they cannot follow a rule. This communicates to the child that they don’t have to. When they reach Adulthood, they become selfish, non empathic, and pathetic. “YUCK”.

So parents, don’t be afraid to be “tough” in the love department when your kid acts entitled or don’t tow the line of what they are able to accomplish. It’s okay to reinforce when they do something well but it is equally or more important to stop them from doing something wrong or stupid. That is love. Looking out for the best interests of a child’s complete development is the optimal role of good parenting. But, you have to be tough sometimes to show your kids that you really do love them.

Tags: #bullies, #discipline, #meangirls, #parentingstyles, #toughlove, Adolescence, Behavior, Children, Families, high school students, homework, Kids, Parenting, parents, schools, Teenagers, tiger moms, tweens
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Making Your Kids Be Responsible For Themselves

Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

Making your children responsible is not as difficult as you might think it is as long as you keep a few things in the forefront of your mind continuously.. The first one is that you must remember that you are the parent and responsible for making sure your children actually follow through with the allocated tasks or responsibilities that you have laid out for them. In other words, the parent is the child’s leader when your child is not doing what they can do by themselves. In fact, when children feel as though they have too much power, they actually perform worse. Feelings of being stronger than your mom or dad might sound good when discussed with a group of peers, but inside of your child, the absence of a parental leader equates with both feelings of fear and guilt. When children feel afraid and bad, they cannot perform as well as they would otherwise and when it gets extreme, they act out in an unconscious way of getting their parents to pay attention.

The second factor in successfully getting your kids to act “age appropriate” is just that. You must narrow your expectations for what a child is capable of doing based on their “functional age”. I use the term “functional” rather than mental or physical, because functional pertains to your child’s actual capacity of successfully completing tasks. In all stages of child and adolescent developmental , there are what we call developmental tasks that kids “should” be able to perform based on normal development. For example, expecting a 6 year old child to successfully feed your dog is just not in their tool box at this age and asking them to take care of an animal is just not fair to both your kid and your pet. At 10 years of age on the other hand, this is a great chore that can be accomplished by a child of this age. Therefore, make your child responsible for doing things they can and should be able to do for themselves at their age. Homework is another great example. If your child is in 4th grade, then they should be able to do the homework as long as they are paying attention in class and following the methodology of the teacher. In those dreaded teacher conferences, we find out the truth and can then often recalibrate how we help our child meet the normal and successful tasks for their age. Failing to hold your child responsible for doing things they can actually do at their age is disrupting their development. That’s right. When parents, and we all do it, “over do it”, we actually create dependency and instill a sense of doubt in our own children. This also leads to our children feeling entitled. This then makes them angry at us. For they also have desires to be independent of us. Bottom line. Make your kids do what they can and should do for their particular age and grade level.

Third. Make a list of all of the “functional” areas that your child can and should accomplish at their age. This can begin as early as age 6. Review and post such a list in an area where you and they can review often. You can make a list for yourself and post it as well. It can include things like ” I will not do homework for you that you should be able to do”. Kids love it when we have rules to follow just like they do.

Finally. Reward them. The best reward for any child is witnessing personal success. This is what self-esteem and self-confidence are made of. However, kids like stuff too and there is nothing wrong with a weekly allowance for “taking care of themselves ( and maybe the dog too ). “.

Parenting is indeed the toughest job in the world but having a road map of what is and is not possible, should make it at least a little easier.

Tags: makingkidsresponsible
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Birth Order?

Friday, February 8th, 2013

Birth Order

Does birth order really matter? Research does support this idea with the following scientific findings. The eldest child tends to be the smartest and the most conservative. In fact, the oldest children in families tend to get into the best colleges. Theory suggests that because of their time alone with their parents before a sibling is born, gives them that special edge. Youngest children, although not as commonly intellectual, tend to have more humor and take more chances. They also tend to be the most socially adaptive according to theory. This is explained by always having to take a back seat to their siblings and learn a lot about having to take it on the chin. Humor always helps when one is being picked on. And, yes, theory suggests that middle children get the least of the rest. Sandwiched between older and younger siblings, they never really get their parents alone leaving them feeling hungry for attention. However, when their older siblings leave the nest, the middle children tend to do better. Middle children also tend to be a bit opposite than their older counterparts. For example, during adolescence, many middle children are the ones who act opposite as their siblings. This seems to be a reaction to their feelings about being in the middle and also trying to be independent or different from their siblings as well.

Given these facts, what can be done to make each child feel special to their parents and perhaps lessen these attributes? Here is where the timing of having children can be very effective if at all possible. When parents space their children 3 or more years apart, the birth order issue is not as clear cut. This is because developmental stages are roughly 3 years apart. The difference between infancy and toddlerhood is roughly 2.5 to 3 years apart. Here, the children are in different developmental periods and are therefore not as competitive with their siblings. In fact, when the older child is 3 or more years older than their sibling, they often share in the cartaking role of their brother or sister. This is because they already got their “parent fix” and are now onto more independence. Issues become more complicated when children are within 2 years apart for they then share the same developmental period and competition then plays into the equation. As an example, siblings within 2 years of age fight and compete much more than siblings who are 3 or more years apart. The underlying issue is whether or not each child had enough time with their parents to assure them of their own identity and security. Therefore, the issues of birth order tend to be most evident when there is not enough space between having children.

So, what can be done for families who have children close in age? How can parents make each time feel special and make sure they get enough attention?

1. Spend independent time with each child.

2. Make each child feel special about who he or she is as a unique individual.

3. Decrease competition between the siblings. In fact have them team up against you in games.

4. Never make comparisons between the kids.

5. Keep things as fair as possible.

Birth order and personality types is well-documented in the literature but when parents think through aspects of development, they can optimize their child’s development by doing their own homework.

Tags: siblings
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, divorce, Friendship, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Fielding Questions From Your Kids?

Monday, February 4th, 2013

Every parent has the same experience – becoming bombarded with a plethora of questions from their children arising shortly after they learn to talk and increasing during the childhood years and then tapering down during adolescence. Within each of these interactions are also concerns about what is the “right” or “wrong” thing to say based on both the message that the parent wishes to convey matched with a concern about how their child will digest the information.

To complicate this further is that the very same question that a 4 year old asks their parent has very different meaning than the same question asked by a 10 year old and the response from the parent needs to take into consideration these developmental differences. Although children have an inborn drive to learn about his or her world, their young minds are only able to digest and utilize information that they are able to comprehend art any particular age. We called this “functional development”. For example, if a child is given “too much information, or too much graphic information”” at a too young of age, the well intended information may actually cause more harm than good. On the other hand too little information, or a complete avoidance of the topic, may leave the child feeling “bad” about what they asked or lead them to continue to seek the information which may result in them getting feedback that the parent may or may not feel comfortable with.

The key point here is that when children ask questions, they need answers as they attempt to understand their minds and the world around them. The role of the parent is to supply them with enough adequate information, but not to either overwhelm them with detail which is beyond their developmental level, or not give them enough information to satisfy their curiosity.

But, how do parents know what is too much or just enough, based on the developmental level of their child? Most parents do not have degrees in child development and there is no cookbook about right versus wrong answers. Part of the answer is common sense and the other is trying to learn more about what children at different ages are able to comprehend. Many times, parents also learn from trial and error. Here, they may answer a particular question and the result then makes the child more anxious. Typically, this type of experience then helps the parent learn that their well-intended answer may have been too much for their child and the next time they are more careful. On the other hand, if the answer is not sufficient enough for the child, he or she will continue to repeat him or herself until the parent meets their need.

Most parents want to be honest and give adequate information and this is a good rule of thumb. What is considered adequate however has to be adjusted to the age and developmental level of the child however. As mentioned earlier, too much, or too graphic, is too much. Therefore, answers need to be clear and informative but not beyond what your child can understand at his or her age. For example, when a 5 year old asks their mom or dad “where babies come from”, which is a frequent and important question (they are asking about themselves), giving them information about sex and body parts would be potentially overwhelming for them and could cause anxiety and even impulsivity. This is because this type of reasoning is beyond what they are able to comprehend and when children are exposed to information too advanced for them, symptoms can develop – we see the same types of manifestations when children are exposed to television too graphic for them to understand. Instead, teaching them about how later in life when mothers and fathers love each other they have children to celebrate their love for one another, is often enough for the inquisitive 5 year old to feel satisfied with their question. In fact, you, this type of answer even makes them feel special at the same time! The same question however posed by a pre-adolescent would warrant a different response based on the pre-teen understanding more about bodies and sexual differences between the sexes. Here, parents can begin to talk to their children about their bodies, lay some ground work about sexuality, and talk about the ideas of love, caring, and maturity. For discussions about sexuality and bodies with the pre-teens (10 and higher) and adolescents, I do always suggest that the parent of the same sex be the one to chair the meeting to lessen potential anxiety for the child. There are also a variety of books written for the pre-teens and teenagers about sexuality which can be very helpful for the inquisitive child. However, once again, parents need to be careful to both not give too much or too little information at this age as well. Reading over such a book before handing it over to your child is another good idea. In this regard, talking too much about “sex” can be too much for them, but if too little information is disclosed will lead to discomfort and potential frustration. Again, sensible, matter of fact, and “just enough” to satisfy the question is the best method. Children are wonderful at telling us if they are not satisfied – they will just keep asking if we do not give them what “they need”. When we do however, they move on until the next question emerges.

Key Points:

1.   do not avoid answering your child’s questions
2.   answer questions with consideration of their age and developmental level
3.   do not give them “too much” information, but just enough to satisfy them
4.   refer to third party materials to help you teach them if necessary
5.   the same question will arise again at later dates allowing for more information

Tags: #difficultparenting
Posted in #schoolshootings #adamlanza #sandyhook, Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, divorce, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Kid Crusaders

Friday, January 25th, 2013

Announcing Kid Crusaders…It’s All About Kids Helping Kids!

A new program for youth developed by Dr. Keith Kanner that makes it “cool to be kind”.

As with any form of caring, empathy and expressing warmth is the best medicine. It’s emotional chicken soup.

San Diego, California (PRWEB) January 25, 2013

The idea that better gun control or increased school and Police interventions is the answer to stopping seriously disturbed people from committing serious crimes is perhaps the best example of a band-aid solution to a serious problem. We could compare this type of thinking to how we understand Terrorists. Once we find a way to foil their plan, Terrorists come up with a new idea. The same dynamics can be applied to a person who chooses to kill innocent victims. The focus remains on the problem, not the cause, which is more or less a spinning of wheels.

As with any serious condition, we need to get to the root of the problem. This is how the Medical Model works. Determine the etiology of the problem and work on early detection and prevention. Aside from the U.S. Government seeking stricter gun control, there is also talk about training teachers and other adults in how to better detect a disturbed student. This is a step in the right direction but not the complete answer. With the typical ratio being 25 students to 1 teacher, even the best of teachers can’t be expected to intervene with every student. There just isn’t enough time for a teacher to do this.

Peers, on the other hand, are on the same physical, academic, and social levels of one another and can see variance in ways that adults cannot even understand or sometimes detect. This happens all the time. Students detect something strange about a peer but decide not to get involved for a number of reasons. Fears of being a snitch, not wanting to be associated with someone strange or not popular, the social psychology theory of Bystander Apathy (the concept that someone else will help so they do not have to), or fear of what to say or do when a child faces off with a peer who drums to another beat. These concerns prevent what could save lives in the short and long run.

We also know how kids and teens tend to respect their peers more than adults as children try to become independent of their parents, so the potential for successful intervention is greater than relying on adults to connect with a vulnerable child. In fact, friends help soothe painful times as much if not greater than parents. The internalization of a peer who can connect with another is an enlightening experience and allows for entrance into a pained mind.

As with any form of caring, empathy and expressing warmth is the best medicine. It’s emotional chicken soup. Feeling the love and caring of another is healing, provides hope, and helps that person not feel so alone in their misery. Anyone who commits a serious crime such as shooting other children is miserable and hopeless. The degree of vulnerability and anger tips the scale and they finally lose all hope and lash out in desperation and then everyone loses.

Most children by the time they reach grade school have a sense of what seems normal or not. If you presented facial expressions to a class of first graders, most would be able to tell you what emotion that face would be telling them. They are able to describe feelings and most are able to connect behavior to emotions. This is due to both intellect and the development of empathy. If children were taught that their intelligence and empathy could save lives, most healthy children would want to be a Crusader to other children. It feels good to help people. If we teach kids how to reach out to another child in need, we develop child crusaders who look for the vulnerable and help them, not tease or abandon them. These are not cops or whistle blowers. These are kids helping kids. Being their friend, inviting them to join them at their lunch table, or perhaps just lending a caring ear, gives that vulnerable child hope. When people have hope, they don’t hurt others.

As a response to the latest school shootings, Your Family Matters TV/Radio (Wsradio.com) has developed the Kid Crusaders program designed to train children ages 6 – 18 in mental health “first aid”. Because of maturation differences, the training involved is age appropriately prepared and presented with the principles and goals being the same.

1.    Developing empathy in young children
2.    Helping others
3.    Being kind
4.    Learning how to identify peers in trouble and how to help them.

Our goal and motto for this program is to make it “cool to be kind”. If this could happen, significant change in our youth would occur and the degree of disturbance would lessen as the focus becomes prevention not trauma recovery. Dr. Keith Kanner has developed the Kid Crusaders program with the support of Kids Korps USA, where he is on the National Board of Directors. To learn more about the program or to sign-up, contact drkanner@yourfamilymatters.com or register at http://www.kidskorps.org. All proceeds of this program go to the volunteer efforts of Kids Korps USA.

Dr. Keith Kanner is a Child, Adolescent, & Adult Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst based in Rancho Santa Fe, California. In addition, he is the on-air mental health expert for UT TV (San Diego Union-Tribune), the host of “Your Family Matters” on UT/WSradio.com, and the bi-weekly host of the “Your Family Matters” segment on CW’s Channel 6 “San Diego Living” show. His book, Your Family Matters: Solutions to Common Parental Dilemmas, recently won The Mom’s Choice Gold Award and is available on Amazon.com.

Posted in #schoolshootings #adamlanza #sandyhook, Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, Friendship, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Trauma Recovery In Children

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

As the days pass from last Friday’s school shooting tragedy, healing is a necessity for children to move forward in their lives. The healing process is a sequential process including a variety of emotions including shock, denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. In the old days, it was believed that the emotional roller coaster runs a predicable course, but more current research indicates otherwise. Typically the first month after an experienced trauma, the various emotions mentioned above can change at any given time. This is the case in both adults and in children and teenagers alike. The major difference is how the younger minds process tragedy differently than adults. In particular, the younger the child, the more immature the child is in dealing with horror. For example, most young children , such as the survivors at Sandy Hook, will likely experience nightmares, acute fears, have lots of questions, and will want and look for extra protection from their parents and loved ones. The closer a child or adult is to the actual trauma, the more intense the experience and the longer recovery will take. However, anyone recently who has experienced trauma or has had similar traumas, such as other previous school shooting survivors will likely experience some Post Traumatic re-experiences.

Some import variables to keep in mind that will help in the recovery of trauma, especially in children, will aid in their recovery. These include the following:

1. Be available for your child to talk with you about their feelings and encourage them and reinforce them sharing.

2. Emphasize the fact that you will protect them at all times.

3. Remember to review with your kids that despite the horror in this case, school shootings are very rare and not likely to happen to them. In fact, statistics do teach is that there is a greater chance of being struck by lightening then being killed at school.

4. Be sure to assure them that most people are good and nice and people like the shooter at Sandy Hook was a very sick person who did not get help. Assure them that as a Country , we will be doing a better job at preventing future events such as this one.

5. Keep them on their daily routine – this is very important – even if they are afraid to go to school, encourage them to go.

Provided no new traumas are introduced, the healing process can take between a month and 6 weeks before acute symptoms such as nightmares, bed wetting, or acute fears, reduce and the child or adult returns to their previous level of functioning. The role of the parent to be strong, loving, and leading which paves the road for a healthy recovery. Parental Love really does make it all better.

Tags: #helpingkidshroughtrauma, #sandyhookrecovery, #traumarecoveryinchildren
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, holidays, Media, Parenting, school, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Another School Shooting? What to say to your kids.

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Prevention is very important in these types of cases and in the future weeks I would assume that we will be developing better protocols for better identifying disturbed and dangerous individuals as I have written about before, but the most important question right now is what to tell your grade-school aged kids so they are not afraid to go to school. Below are some important tips to follow when the conversation comes up if it does. I suggest that parents wait for their kids to bring up the school shooting rather than introducing it yourself. This is because they may have already discussed it at school today. Once they do bring up the subject, here is a list to follow.

1. Share with them how horrible of a act the school shooting was and how they must feel both confused and afraid.

2. Tell them that you will protect them and that their school will also. Kids do not understand statistics and probability, but find a way to tell them that things like this almost never happen even though when they do, they end up on TV and seem like they happen everyday but they don’t.

3. Share with them that most people in the world are “good” not “bad”and that the person who did this had very serious problems and was not getting enough help. Use this to encourage your children to reach out to other kids who seem upset and tell you or their teacher if they are really worried.

4. Keep them on their regular schedule including returning to school as usual on Monday.

5. Be strong for your child. Kids look to their parents for comfort and direction during times like these. Have an attitude of compassion and strength to go on and they will follow that attitude.

Dr. Keith Kanner

Host – Your Family Matters TV

yourfamilymatters.com

Tags: #schoolshooting, #schoolshooting profilingschoolshooters
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Another School Shooting? What to do.

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Whenever something like this happens, many questions come to mind. “Why?”; “What kind of person commits something like this?; and “is there anything that could have been done to better prevent this from happening?” All of these are very important questions but difficult to answer.

Meanwhile many children are once again afraid to go to school while also reawakening past experiences of previous school shootings. Despite the actual rarity of such shootings taking place, as compared to other acts of crimes, there is a continued need to educate the public on what signs to look for in everyday encounters to better protect one another. Such efforts are being encouraged by Homeland Security in reference to terrorists and the same type of interventions need to be applied to identifying disturbed individuals in general.

One active area of investigation and inquiry has been an attempt to “profile” the type of individual or individuals who could commit these types of awful crimes in hopes of identifying them before a potential crisis could occur. These joint efforts of law enforcement, along with mental health professionals, continue and offer checklists to both school personnel and students in hopes of getting everyone involved with protecting one another.

Below is a list of some of the common profiling characteristics found in individuals who have committed school shootings as well as other serious acts of crimes. These characteristics are felt to be long standing in nature and in many cases are not identified in advance:

A history of psychological and/or behavioral problems.
A lack of close friends
Historically poor judgment
Significant use of magical thinking
A serious lack of moral integration
Strange habits
Antisocial thoughts and behaviors
Isolative
Tend to be socially rejected due to their qualities
Self-centered

Most professionals agree that if more adults and students alike were better educated about such identifying characteristics and were made to feel more comfortable bringing these individuals to the attention of adults, the incidence of school shootings and other serious acts of pathology would decrease and these targeted individuals could perhaps receive help that they have obviously needed and have not received.

Research teaches us that individuals who demonstrate antisocial behaviors do not just “snap.” They have historic of maladaptive styles that many people in their lives have known about but not intervened.

Hopefully, the joint efforts of law enforcement, school districts, and parents will lead to better educating both children and school personnel about these profiling characteristics in hopes of further decreasing crises such as the one again experienced recently.

Tags: #schoolshooting profilingschoolshooters
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, divorce, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, holidays, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Leaving For College Checklist

Saturday, August 4th, 2012

Background: In just over a month’s time, thousands of recent high school graduates will be leaving the comfort of their childhood homes embarking onto a new college campus which will become his or her new home for the next four or so years. The college freshman has “officially” shifted from adolescence to adulthood and is now faced with new and different tasks than they experienced during the years of high school. Greater independence, self-responsibility, emotional maturity, and new and different social challenges are all simultaneously introduced which can be exciting for some, but overwhelming for others depending upon both the personality and previous experiences of the individual. Perhaps the most significant difference is that all of these new experiences are withstood without the comfort of their parents being close by for supervision and daily consultation. Despite high school being a time of greater independence and favored auton! omy from parents and although most have an internalized feeling of security and endurance, college introduces new and different experiences from any of the previous years. For example, college freshman are required to get themselves up every morning; schedule and manage their courses; do their own laundry; manage their own finances; set their own curfew; have a study schedule; balance a social and academic life; stay in shape; and contemplate their futures. Although exciting, the management of these tasks can also be stressful.

Research indicates that the most difficult aspect of the freshman year is not so much the academic challenges, but the adaptation to living in a new environment away from home. The highest college drop out rate in college is during this first year as well as the greatest incidents of mental illnesses including depression and anxiety disorders. Physical illness is also greatest during this first year as well. The freshman year may be considered a mini rite of passage whereby the years following this one tend to be calmer and more enjoyable. This can be understood as due to experience and adaptation.

However, precautionary measures can be taken ahead of time to help the new freshman better adapt to this challenging year. Parents who assist their children in early preparation for the upcoming change have a significant impact on how their child will adapt to both leaving home and getting settled at college. In fact, and not surprising, the better prepared, the less likely the student will flounder once away from the familiarity of home.

The following are suggestions to help the college-bound freshman to best adapt to college life:

1. During high school, teach and encourage independent skills such as doing laundry; minor cooking; self-waking; balancing checkbooks; and setting up their own appointments. Senior year of high school is a wonderful opportunity to become used to more independent tasks while still in the comfort of having parents close by for consultation and guidance.

2. Visit the college campus ahead of time. Taking a tour of the campus and living conditions over the summer and perhaps even sit in on a few classes, gives the new freshman a sense of what it will be like for them in the Fall.

3. Talk to upper class people about the college experience. When the new college freshman talks to other students from their school about classes, teachers, and college life, many questions are answered beforehand and relieve anxiety.

4. Discuss and plan finance ahead of time. Parents need to talk about money, budgeting, and expenses well in advance giving the student some time to get used to how they will pay for things and manage money. It is always suggested, at least during the first year, that the parents work together with their child to assure that they are comfortable with money and managing it well.

5. Don’t give away their room at home. Although college is their “new” home, the freshman will be mourning the loss of their parents and familiar home life. Being able to come home over the holidays and staying in their childhood room gives them a sense of security and comfort which is very important during this first year away from home.

6. Make home visits easy. Having a plane ticket on hand as well as more frequent visits during the freshman year helps with the transition from home to college. Many college freshman need to “check in” with their parents during this significant year of change.

7. Go visit them. Plan a few trips if possible to visit them between major vacations. This assures them that you are invested in them despite them being away from home. These visits also give you a chance to see how they seem to be managing themselves and to make some suggestions if necessary.

8. Telephone often. During the first year, frequent contact with parents is common. In fact, many parents are amazed on how during high school they did not talk much with their child, but now, once in college, the frequency of talking increases indicating that they need your support and comfort. Make having a cell phone or land line easy for them to have.

9. Help them get settled. Be sure to both help them pack and gather supplies for the year and their rooms and escort them to the college campus in the fall. Most college freshman welcome the help of their parents during this transition and will let you know when they are ready for you to leave – usually after a few hours.

10. Encourage them to get help if they are in trouble. Most colleges have counseling centers which have therapists who have experience with transitional anxiety experienced by incoming freshman. Often getting some support and help early in the college experience speeds up the adaptation to college life which can positively effect the years to come.

In most cases, after some normal bumps during the first year of college, the student adapts to their new developmental phase of life and actually enjoys coming home for visits with their families. In fact, many parents revel in the fact that the adolescent years are finally over and their son or daughter has evolved into a healthy adult. They may actually help you do the dishes and ask YOU how your day was.

Tags: college, Leaving for college, school
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Back To School

Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Getting Back Into School

It’s about that time of the summer when parents have to remind their kids that school will be starting again in about a month or you will likely be in for a rocky start of the new school year. Why? A condition called Summer Learning Loss occurs each summer when kids do not exercise their brains by engaging in some sort of academic endeavor for the summer months causing “shock” once they return to the classroom in the Fall. Homework battles, resistance to get up in the morning; bad moods ; and depressed grades for the first reporting period of the new school year are all symptoms of Summer Learning Loss ( SLL ).

The good news is that it’s not too late to get your kids to re-stimulate their neurons now before it’s too late. The bad news is that you the parent have to be the one who brings up the issue and your kids will not be happy with the news, or you. But, that’s our job as parents – looking ahead for our kids and also realizing that a little bit now will pay off a lot later and sometimes we have to take the hit, but, it’s worth it in the long run.

More good news. All you really have to do is get them to read. Reading is the single best preventative measure to avoid coming down with SLL. Sure, doing some review of last year’s curriculum or jumping ahead to some concepts for the upcoming year might even be better, but reading a book is the equivalent of a treadmill for a child’s mind. And, why not read together? Make reading a family affair – make the trip to the library or a bookstore and everyone gets a book to read. Take it to the next step and take 5 minutes at the end of the reading period and share what you learned with the rest of the family. If you do this subtly, your kids won’t even know that you have introduced school to them.

The statistics of the positive effects of summer learning on Fall school performance are impressive. It is also not surprising that the statistics on the level of self-esteem for kids who feel and are prepared for the new school year are also equally so. And, how about the statistics on lower parental stress when kids adapt to school sooner rather than later? I know you all know the answer to that one too. So, what are you waiting for? Crack that book.

Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Parenting, school | Comments Off