Archive for the ‘Friendship’ Category

Valentine’s Day Pressure

Monday, February 11th, 2013

It’s hard to imagine that when Saint Valentine performed illegal marriages for prisoners who were forbidden to marry that he would have thought that his acts would lead to a tradition of sending flowers, cards, and candy to loved ones. Well, this actually is not the case. In fact, the sending of such tokens of love is really a Western Culture tradition that is not necessarily an International way of expressing love. For example, in Latin America, there are no flowers, cards, and candy. Instead, the tradition is to perform acts of love and kindness for loved ones on their day of celebration. I like this tradition because being loving to the one a person cares for ought to be a healthy daily activity and not just restricted to a particular day. Love notes, kind acts, even flowers can be given to someone whenever the heart desires.

But, here in the Western part of the world, the stereotype is that sending flowers, cards, and candy is the way lovers are “suppose to” express “love” for their significant other on a particular day, February 14th. Therefore, there is a sense of “obligation” or “pressure” that if they do not express their love in this particular fashion, they are not fulfilling the expectations of “love” according to the tradition of Valentine’s Day the way we have defined it. The problem is that once “expectation” becomes part of the equation, the essence of one’s personal means of expressing love and admiration to their mate becomes more of a task than an expression of unique love. Has Valentine’s Day been another example of “keeping up with the Jones’s”? How sad is that.

Each couple’s experience of love should be unique and celebrated by the particular knowledge of what makes each person feel loved by the other. Saint Valentine married people out of love, not expectation. If cards, flowers, and candy are your way of showing love to your partner, then buy and give. However, if you think some other means of sharing your love with your mate would be more significant, then show them in this “special” way. After all, if you have true love with your partner, he or she will be more taken by your own way of expression then some stock card and some flowers. Love between people is unique and should be celebrated in special ways that make your relationship special, not just based on some outside force.

Tags: love fuel, Valentine's Day
Posted in Behavior, Friendship | 1 Comment »

Birth Order?

Friday, February 8th, 2013

Birth Order

Does birth order really matter? Research does support this idea with the following scientific findings. The eldest child tends to be the smartest and the most conservative. In fact, the oldest children in families tend to get into the best colleges. Theory suggests that because of their time alone with their parents before a sibling is born, gives them that special edge. Youngest children, although not as commonly intellectual, tend to have more humor and take more chances. They also tend to be the most socially adaptive according to theory. This is explained by always having to take a back seat to their siblings and learn a lot about having to take it on the chin. Humor always helps when one is being picked on. And, yes, theory suggests that middle children get the least of the rest. Sandwiched between older and younger siblings, they never really get their parents alone leaving them feeling hungry for attention. However, when their older siblings leave the nest, the middle children tend to do better. Middle children also tend to be a bit opposite than their older counterparts. For example, during adolescence, many middle children are the ones who act opposite as their siblings. This seems to be a reaction to their feelings about being in the middle and also trying to be independent or different from their siblings as well.

Given these facts, what can be done to make each child feel special to their parents and perhaps lessen these attributes? Here is where the timing of having children can be very effective if at all possible. When parents space their children 3 or more years apart, the birth order issue is not as clear cut. This is because developmental stages are roughly 3 years apart. The difference between infancy and toddlerhood is roughly 2.5 to 3 years apart. Here, the children are in different developmental periods and are therefore not as competitive with their siblings. In fact, when the older child is 3 or more years older than their sibling, they often share in the cartaking role of their brother or sister. This is because they already got their “parent fix” and are now onto more independence. Issues become more complicated when children are within 2 years apart for they then share the same developmental period and competition then plays into the equation. As an example, siblings within 2 years of age fight and compete much more than siblings who are 3 or more years apart. The underlying issue is whether or not each child had enough time with their parents to assure them of their own identity and security. Therefore, the issues of birth order tend to be most evident when there is not enough space between having children.

So, what can be done for families who have children close in age? How can parents make each time feel special and make sure they get enough attention?

1. Spend independent time with each child.

2. Make each child feel special about who he or she is as a unique individual.

3. Decrease competition between the siblings. In fact have them team up against you in games.

4. Never make comparisons between the kids.

5. Keep things as fair as possible.

Birth order and personality types is well-documented in the literature but when parents think through aspects of development, they can optimize their child’s development by doing their own homework.

Tags: siblings
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, divorce, Friendship, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Kid Crusaders

Friday, January 25th, 2013

Announcing Kid Crusaders…It’s All About Kids Helping Kids!

A new program for youth developed by Dr. Keith Kanner that makes it “cool to be kind”.

As with any form of caring, empathy and expressing warmth is the best medicine. It’s emotional chicken soup.

San Diego, California (PRWEB) January 25, 2013

The idea that better gun control or increased school and Police interventions is the answer to stopping seriously disturbed people from committing serious crimes is perhaps the best example of a band-aid solution to a serious problem. We could compare this type of thinking to how we understand Terrorists. Once we find a way to foil their plan, Terrorists come up with a new idea. The same dynamics can be applied to a person who chooses to kill innocent victims. The focus remains on the problem, not the cause, which is more or less a spinning of wheels.

As with any serious condition, we need to get to the root of the problem. This is how the Medical Model works. Determine the etiology of the problem and work on early detection and prevention. Aside from the U.S. Government seeking stricter gun control, there is also talk about training teachers and other adults in how to better detect a disturbed student. This is a step in the right direction but not the complete answer. With the typical ratio being 25 students to 1 teacher, even the best of teachers can’t be expected to intervene with every student. There just isn’t enough time for a teacher to do this.

Peers, on the other hand, are on the same physical, academic, and social levels of one another and can see variance in ways that adults cannot even understand or sometimes detect. This happens all the time. Students detect something strange about a peer but decide not to get involved for a number of reasons. Fears of being a snitch, not wanting to be associated with someone strange or not popular, the social psychology theory of Bystander Apathy (the concept that someone else will help so they do not have to), or fear of what to say or do when a child faces off with a peer who drums to another beat. These concerns prevent what could save lives in the short and long run.

We also know how kids and teens tend to respect their peers more than adults as children try to become independent of their parents, so the potential for successful intervention is greater than relying on adults to connect with a vulnerable child. In fact, friends help soothe painful times as much if not greater than parents. The internalization of a peer who can connect with another is an enlightening experience and allows for entrance into a pained mind.

As with any form of caring, empathy and expressing warmth is the best medicine. It’s emotional chicken soup. Feeling the love and caring of another is healing, provides hope, and helps that person not feel so alone in their misery. Anyone who commits a serious crime such as shooting other children is miserable and hopeless. The degree of vulnerability and anger tips the scale and they finally lose all hope and lash out in desperation and then everyone loses.

Most children by the time they reach grade school have a sense of what seems normal or not. If you presented facial expressions to a class of first graders, most would be able to tell you what emotion that face would be telling them. They are able to describe feelings and most are able to connect behavior to emotions. This is due to both intellect and the development of empathy. If children were taught that their intelligence and empathy could save lives, most healthy children would want to be a Crusader to other children. It feels good to help people. If we teach kids how to reach out to another child in need, we develop child crusaders who look for the vulnerable and help them, not tease or abandon them. These are not cops or whistle blowers. These are kids helping kids. Being their friend, inviting them to join them at their lunch table, or perhaps just lending a caring ear, gives that vulnerable child hope. When people have hope, they don’t hurt others.

As a response to the latest school shootings, Your Family Matters TV/Radio (Wsradio.com) has developed the Kid Crusaders program designed to train children ages 6 – 18 in mental health “first aid”. Because of maturation differences, the training involved is age appropriately prepared and presented with the principles and goals being the same.

1.    Developing empathy in young children
2.    Helping others
3.    Being kind
4.    Learning how to identify peers in trouble and how to help them.

Our goal and motto for this program is to make it “cool to be kind”. If this could happen, significant change in our youth would occur and the degree of disturbance would lessen as the focus becomes prevention not trauma recovery. Dr. Keith Kanner has developed the Kid Crusaders program with the support of Kids Korps USA, where he is on the National Board of Directors. To learn more about the program or to sign-up, contact drkanner@yourfamilymatters.com or register at http://www.kidskorps.org. All proceeds of this program go to the volunteer efforts of Kids Korps USA.

Dr. Keith Kanner is a Child, Adolescent, & Adult Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst based in Rancho Santa Fe, California. In addition, he is the on-air mental health expert for UT TV (San Diego Union-Tribune), the host of “Your Family Matters” on UT/WSradio.com, and the bi-weekly host of the “Your Family Matters” segment on CW’s Channel 6 “San Diego Living” show. His book, Your Family Matters: Solutions to Common Parental Dilemmas, recently won The Mom’s Choice Gold Award and is available on Amazon.com.

Posted in #schoolshootings #adamlanza #sandyhook, Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, Friendship, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Trauma Recovery In Children

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

As the days pass from last Friday’s school shooting tragedy, healing is a necessity for children to move forward in their lives. The healing process is a sequential process including a variety of emotions including shock, denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. In the old days, it was believed that the emotional roller coaster runs a predicable course, but more current research indicates otherwise. Typically the first month after an experienced trauma, the various emotions mentioned above can change at any given time. This is the case in both adults and in children and teenagers alike. The major difference is how the younger minds process tragedy differently than adults. In particular, the younger the child, the more immature the child is in dealing with horror. For example, most young children , such as the survivors at Sandy Hook, will likely experience nightmares, acute fears, have lots of questions, and will want and look for extra protection from their parents and loved ones. The closer a child or adult is to the actual trauma, the more intense the experience and the longer recovery will take. However, anyone recently who has experienced trauma or has had similar traumas, such as other previous school shooting survivors will likely experience some Post Traumatic re-experiences.

Some import variables to keep in mind that will help in the recovery of trauma, especially in children, will aid in their recovery. These include the following:

1. Be available for your child to talk with you about their feelings and encourage them and reinforce them sharing.

2. Emphasize the fact that you will protect them at all times.

3. Remember to review with your kids that despite the horror in this case, school shootings are very rare and not likely to happen to them. In fact, statistics do teach is that there is a greater chance of being struck by lightening then being killed at school.

4. Be sure to assure them that most people are good and nice and people like the shooter at Sandy Hook was a very sick person who did not get help. Assure them that as a Country , we will be doing a better job at preventing future events such as this one.

5. Keep them on their daily routine – this is very important – even if they are afraid to go to school, encourage them to go.

Provided no new traumas are introduced, the healing process can take between a month and 6 weeks before acute symptoms such as nightmares, bed wetting, or acute fears, reduce and the child or adult returns to their previous level of functioning. The role of the parent to be strong, loving, and leading which paves the road for a healthy recovery. Parental Love really does make it all better.

Tags: #helpingkidshroughtrauma, #sandyhookrecovery, #traumarecoveryinchildren
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, holidays, Media, Parenting, school, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Another School Shooting? What to say to your kids.

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Prevention is very important in these types of cases and in the future weeks I would assume that we will be developing better protocols for better identifying disturbed and dangerous individuals as I have written about before, but the most important question right now is what to tell your grade-school aged kids so they are not afraid to go to school. Below are some important tips to follow when the conversation comes up if it does. I suggest that parents wait for their kids to bring up the school shooting rather than introducing it yourself. This is because they may have already discussed it at school today. Once they do bring up the subject, here is a list to follow.

1. Share with them how horrible of a act the school shooting was and how they must feel both confused and afraid.

2. Tell them that you will protect them and that their school will also. Kids do not understand statistics and probability, but find a way to tell them that things like this almost never happen even though when they do, they end up on TV and seem like they happen everyday but they don’t.

3. Share with them that most people in the world are “good” not “bad”and that the person who did this had very serious problems and was not getting enough help. Use this to encourage your children to reach out to other kids who seem upset and tell you or their teacher if they are really worried.

4. Keep them on their regular schedule including returning to school as usual on Monday.

5. Be strong for your child. Kids look to their parents for comfort and direction during times like these. Have an attitude of compassion and strength to go on and they will follow that attitude.

Dr. Keith Kanner

Host – Your Family Matters TV

yourfamilymatters.com

Tags: #schoolshooting, #schoolshooting profilingschoolshooters
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

Another School Shooting? What to do.

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Whenever something like this happens, many questions come to mind. “Why?”; “What kind of person commits something like this?; and “is there anything that could have been done to better prevent this from happening?” All of these are very important questions but difficult to answer.

Meanwhile many children are once again afraid to go to school while also reawakening past experiences of previous school shootings. Despite the actual rarity of such shootings taking place, as compared to other acts of crimes, there is a continued need to educate the public on what signs to look for in everyday encounters to better protect one another. Such efforts are being encouraged by Homeland Security in reference to terrorists and the same type of interventions need to be applied to identifying disturbed individuals in general.

One active area of investigation and inquiry has been an attempt to “profile” the type of individual or individuals who could commit these types of awful crimes in hopes of identifying them before a potential crisis could occur. These joint efforts of law enforcement, along with mental health professionals, continue and offer checklists to both school personnel and students in hopes of getting everyone involved with protecting one another.

Below is a list of some of the common profiling characteristics found in individuals who have committed school shootings as well as other serious acts of crimes. These characteristics are felt to be long standing in nature and in many cases are not identified in advance:

A history of psychological and/or behavioral problems.
A lack of close friends
Historically poor judgment
Significant use of magical thinking
A serious lack of moral integration
Strange habits
Antisocial thoughts and behaviors
Isolative
Tend to be socially rejected due to their qualities
Self-centered

Most professionals agree that if more adults and students alike were better educated about such identifying characteristics and were made to feel more comfortable bringing these individuals to the attention of adults, the incidence of school shootings and other serious acts of pathology would decrease and these targeted individuals could perhaps receive help that they have obviously needed and have not received.

Research teaches us that individuals who demonstrate antisocial behaviors do not just “snap.” They have historic of maladaptive styles that many people in their lives have known about but not intervened.

Hopefully, the joint efforts of law enforcement, school districts, and parents will lead to better educating both children and school personnel about these profiling characteristics in hopes of further decreasing crises such as the one again experienced recently.

Tags: #schoolshooting profilingschoolshooters
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, childsharing, coparenting, divorce, Friendship, holidaychildsharing, holidays, Media, Parenting, school | Comments Off

What about Bob?

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

Not everyone is happy when the holiday season approaches especially if he or she has withstood some sort of crisis or loss over the past year. The loss of a loved one, a divorce, or significant changes in one’s health or occupational status can cause feelings of shock, despair, sadness, or even depression. For any individual going through one of these possible conditions, the festivities of the season may intensify strong uncomfortable feelings. For these individuals, spending time with loved ones, friends, and trying to find activities to help them feel better are important.

The role of close friends is important during this time, but most people are uncertain as how to best help a friend in need. For people going through grief, the warmth of a friend can be very comforting and helpful. Inviting a friend in need over for a holiday celebration, trying to spend some special time together, and even buying them a special and meaningful gift can help someone in need cope better with a recent setback.

Should a close friend try to get the one going through a tough time to talk about it?

Regarding discussions about grief or loss, it is important to consider that children and adults are in different developmental and psychological states and will manage crises differently. Although the grief process is the same, the capacity to tolerate affects and feelings are different. Understandably, adults are more mature and typically will be able to talk about their feelings more readily, while children experiencing grief are usually in extensive defensive operations in order to continue to cope. In other words, it will take children much longer to talk about their grief experiences than adults and should NOT be pushed to do so. They will open up when ready as long as they are in a supportive and loving environment.

In reference to adults in grief states, it is very important that their friends do express their sympathy and allow an opportunity to talk about their feelings, but don’t be too pushy. Some people find it easier to talk than others while some individuals need some personal time before they are ready to talk. In either case, the friend is offering a supportive environment to grieve which will assist the friend in getting through the process and help them get through the initial period of shock.

What are typical grief reactions to expect from their friend?

During the time spent with friends experiencing grief, one must expect inconsistencies in both thought and feeling. Confusion, memory problems, mood swings, irritability, sadness, crying, anger, and even laughter are all expected during the initial phase of a grief reaction. Supportive friends who expect these types of manifestations are both better prepared and helpful by tolerating such alterations in mood and thought. Over time, such emotional swings will lessen and the person will eventually return to their previous state of mind, but this could take up to 3 months.

What else can I do to help them?

Aside from being supportive and available, it is also important that as a friend, you try to keep your suffering friend on their daily track. Here, continuing in daily planned activities, including holiday plans, are important in helping the grieving in witnessing that life continues and when they can experience their capacity to manage everyday tasks, it increases their confidence that they will overcome the crisis and move ahead in their life.

Am I going to be affected by their loss?

Finally, when helping others work through their grief, it may also reawaken one’s own experiences with loss which though saddening, can also lead to a greater awareness and understanding of their friend’s experience and provide greater empathy.

Key Points:

1. Reach out to your friends in need
2. Encourage adults to talk about their losses and troubles but NOT young children
3. Children will talk when they are ready and will need support-let them know you are there when they are ready
4. Thoughts and emotions are inconsistent for up to 3 months for people going through crisis or loss
5. Help your friends keep activities on schedule to help functionality
6. Grief in others reawakens past experiences of one’s own grief which can cause temporary sadness but also can increase the level and degree of empathy towards that friend’s experience which can be mutually healing.

One final note. Often times when a person is experiencing grief over the Holidays, there is an increase in the use of alcohol and prescription drug usage to “help” manage suffering. The result is often a worsening of symptoms, not an improvement. Encouraging exercise, a good diet, and even doing something refreshing or new, like going to a funny movie, is a much healthier choice.

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Helping Your Kids Develop Healthy Social Skills

Thursday, January 5th, 2012

Background: For most parents, concern about their children developing successful friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming. (more…)

Tags: Adolescence, Children, Families, Friendship
Posted in Adolescence, Behavior, Friendship, Parenting | Comments Off

Helping Friends Over The Holidays

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

Here come the Holidays. For some, this is a favorite time of the year, but for others, just the opposite. The concept of “loss” seems to be a consistent element here which makes the Holidays not so joyous for some, especially if they experienced a loss or misfortune some time over this past year. The loss of a loved one, a divorce, or a significant change in one’s health, school, or occupational status can cause feelings of shock, despair, sadness, or even depression. For any individual going through one of these possible conditions, the festivities of the season may intensify strong uncomfortable feelings. For these individuals, spending time with loved ones, friends, and trying to find activities to help them feel better are important, but not typically initiated by the individual for they feel so terrible. (more…)

Tags: Behavior, depression, Divorce, Families, Friendship, Holidays, Kids, loss, tips
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